IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Studies show that many criminals have a low level of education. For this reason, people believe that the best way to reduce crime is to educate people in prison so they can get a job when leave prison. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, studies demonstrate that many criminals have a low
level
Use synonyms
 of
education
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, and a large number of
people
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 reckon that
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 excellent way to reduce crime is to educate
people
Use synonyms
 in
prison
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. From my perspective, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view since the rate of unemployment will decline and providing
education
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 can teach useful skills. On the one hand,
why
Correct pronoun usage
what
show examples
 I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement is that
education
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 gives employment opportunities.
This
Linking Words
 is because some companies or markets require basic knowledge in mathematics or physics, which
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
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 without
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 subjects they cannot apply
to
Change preposition
for
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 work.
As a result
Linking Words
, if the government give them free educational
lessons
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 in
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prison
Punctuation problem
prison,
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 they can obtain basic information, which will help them to adapt to
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 environment.
For example
Linking Words
, prisoners who have a low
level
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 of educations, they will suffer from a
seek
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lack of
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 job
after
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opportunities after
show examples
prison
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 because of
requirements
Correct article usage
the requirements
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'
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apply
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, giving free
lessons
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 to
people
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 who are in
prison
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 can teach them useful skills or behave.
This
Linking Words
 means that in
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prison
Punctuation problem
prison,
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 individuals would never share their money or items
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 each other because of
trust
Correct article usage
the trust
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level
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.
Consequently
Linking Words
, if they
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
participate in the lesson, they may gain useful knowledge
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as share with others or how to be polite in parks.
For instance
Linking Words
, prisoners who
never
Verb problem
have never
show examples
 been educated don't know how to communicate with others, and
lessons
Use synonyms
 can easily introduce basic interactions. In conclusion, I totally agree with providing free
lessons
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 in
prison
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 for
people
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 who have a low
level
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 of
education
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 because it can help
to
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 understand opportunities for jobs and how to control emotions or basic skills
such
Linking Words
 as sharing or communicating.

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task response
Score: 5. Your ideas answer the question, but some ideas are not fully linked to crime. Explain more clearly how education and a job stop a person from committing crime again.
task response
Your first main point is stronger. Add a clear chain: education leads to skills, skills lead to work, and work gives people money in a legal way. This can lower repeat crime.
task response
Your second main point needs a better focus. Sharing items and being polite in parks are not strong reasons for crime reduction. Write about job skills, reading, money skills, or how to deal with anger.
task response
Your examples are too general. Give one clear example, such as a prisoner who learns to read and use a computer, then gets work after prison instead of going back to crime.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. In paragraph two, move from “useful skills” to “sharing” and “parks” too quickly, so the point is less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use a more direct topic sentence. For example: “First, prison education can reduce crime by helping former prisoners find work.” Then explain this idea step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, but make sure the next sentence really follows the last one. Do not use “For example” if the example is not clear or does not support the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long or unclear sentences. For example, write: “Many jobs need basic maths and reading skills. Without these skills, former prisoners may not find work.” This is clearer.
task response
You give a clear opinion: you agree. You also give two main reasons: jobs and useful skills.
task response
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion. You answer all parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because you use clear paragraph breaks and words such as “As a result”, “Consequently”, and “For example”.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion repeats your main view and brings the essay to a clear end.
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