IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Promotions to higher level should be from within company and not to a new person from outside. Do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Getting
Use synonyms
promotion
Correct article usage
a promotion
show examples
 to
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 level should be from within
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
not
Punctuation problem
, not
show examples
 from others.
However
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 completely agree with
fact
Correct article usage
the fact
show examples
 that
promotion
Use synonyms
 should be from within
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views. On the one hand, promotions from within
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 much better.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 employees get trust in
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 from
head
Correct article usage
the head
show examples
 department.To put it simply,
people
Use synonyms
 can depend on each other.
For example
Linking Words
, some future plans for
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 can be secret,
while
Linking Words
Linking Words
this secret
Fix the agreement mistake
these secrets
show examples
 can not be shared
to every
Change preposition
with all
show examples
 employees.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to outstanding work in
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
.Primarily,
man
Correct article usage
a man
show examples
 working in the same
company
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 long period may know everyone.To clarify, old workers have
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
relationship
Use synonyms
between
Change preposition
with
show examples
 other workers,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can cordinate whole
company
Use synonyms
 after the superior.
For instance
Linking Words
,
promoted
Correct article usage
a promoted
show examples
 person should have
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
relationship
Use synonyms
 between staff for asking tasks.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
relationship
Use synonyms
 between staff affect on direction
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
company
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, choosing
people
Use synonyms
 from other
companies
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
choise
Correct your spelling
choice
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 some
companies
Use synonyms
 can search
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 with good experience.
In other words
Linking Words
, some employees can be well-educated and have
understanding
Correct article usage
an understanding
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 some sectors in other
companies
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
analyst
Correct article usage
an analyst
show examples
 with oil-manufacturing knowledge can be
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 important person for
companies
Use synonyms
 in that industry.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can
make
Verb problem
lead to
show examples
 success in
companies
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 variant can
also
Linking Words
 be admitted because of giving same opportunities for everyone. In conclusion,
promotion
Use synonyms
 from within
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
good
Verb problem
is good
show examples
 for trust and
Use synonyms
relationship
Check wording
relationships
show examples
 between staff,
while
Linking Words
 giving
promotion
Use synonyms
 to
people
Use synonyms
 from other
companies
Use synonyms
 gives the same opportunity for everyone.From my perspective,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think that choosing
people
Use synonyms
 for
promotion
Use synonyms
better
Verb problem
is better
show examples
 from within
Use synonyms
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

overall score
Score: 5. Your main answer is clear, but the ideas need more full support and the links between sentences are not always clear.
task response
Say your view more clearly in the introduction. Do not say “This essay will discuss both views” if you agree. Say that you agree, but outside workers may sometimes be the best choice.
task response
Give stronger reasons for your view. For example, workers from inside know the work, the people, and the company plans. Explain how this helps them do the new job well.
task response
Your point about outside workers giving “the same opportunity for everyone” is not clear. Outside workers do not give current workers the same chance. A better point is that outside workers can bring new ideas and skills.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example: a team leader who has worked there for five years may know the staff and the work, so they can start the new job quickly.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first main part, write about trust and knowledge of the company. In the second, write about new skills and new ideas from outside.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not connect well. For example, “As a result, this lead to outstanding work” does not clearly show why trust leads to better work. Add the missing step in the idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer linking words when they do not fit. “Primarily” and “To clarify” are not needed in some places. Simple links such as “Also”, “Because of this”, and “However” are enough.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion clear and short. Restate your view and the two main reasons, without adding a new point.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree that people in the company should get the higher job.
task response
You also show the other side, so the essay looks at both ways.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: