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Writing Samples
Band 7

Promotions to higher level should be from within company and not to a new person from outside. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Promoting to an executive level should come from within a company rather than appointing an outsider.
This
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 essay completely agrees with
this
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 statement because it will lead to an improvement in mutual trust between an employer and an employee and increase the employee’s productivity.
Body paragraph 1
Employees
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 promoted to higher positions should be selected among the working members because it fosters a stronger relationship between employers and
employees
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. The reason is that if the current employee, who is someone from the lower hierarchy of the company, gets a promotion, he will give his best to remove the obstacles that low-level workers face in the most efficient way, because he is someone who climbed from that place and is aware of the difficulties his former colleagues encounter.
Thus
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, eliminating those problems will increase the business’s
overall
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 performance manyfold, resulting in a robust relationship between both parties.
For example
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, Artel, one of the leading companies of Uzbekistan, promoted 10 new head managers
,
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;
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as a result
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, the company expanded its influence , and its annual profit surged by 10 %.
Body paragraph 2
Another reason why existing
employees
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 should rise to an executive role is the fact that it boosts the efficiency of
employees
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.
That is
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 to say that it will have a phenomenal impact on other staff members and encourage them to strive more so that one day they can
also
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 get promoted to a higher level if they work hard enough, because their former colleague got promoted in front of their eyes.
As a result
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,
this
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 will boost their morale and efficiency in the projects they are working on.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that companies should promote existing
employees
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instead
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 of recruiting external candidates because
this
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 strengthens the relationship between employers and
employees
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while
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 improving
employees
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' work efficiency.

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Task response
Score: 7. Your answer is clear and on topic. To reach a higher score, explain each main point in a more direct way. In body 1, you move from trust to solving problems and then to business results. Make the link to trust clearer.
Task response
Your Artel example is useful, but it needs more detail. Explain how these new managers helped the company, not only that profit went up. Also, be careful with facts if you cannot show they are true.
Task response
Body 2 has a good idea about staff working harder. Add one short example of how a worker may act after seeing a co-worker get a better job.
Coherence and cohesion
Score: 7. Your main ideas are in a good order. However, some sentences are very long. Break them into two or three shorter sentences so the meaning is easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple links more carefully. For example, “Thus” and “As a result” are used many times. You can also use “This means that”, “Because of this”, or no link when it is not needed.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part more exact. For example: “First, internal promotion can build trust.” Then explain this point step by step.
Task response
You clearly agree with the idea, and your view stays the same from the first line to the end.
Task response
You give two clear main points: trust between workers and the company, and better work from staff.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Another reason”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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