IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Ordinary people try to copy famous personalities by seeing them on TV and reading them in the newspaper. What is the reason? Is it a good idea to copy famous personalities?

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Everybody has a dream, but all
people
Use synonyms
 find a different path to reach their dreams. Perhaps, some of them think
every
Change preposition
about every
show examples
 detail for creating their own
world
Punctuation problem
world,
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while
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 some of them can just take an action without any plan.
However
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, some ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 may not take any action to
make
Verb problem
improve
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 their own
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
Therefore
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, they may try to
copy
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 well-known persons, even
they
Correct word choice
if they
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 do not know about these
people
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' acual lives. In my opinion,
this
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 situation is the worst idea for
people
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.
Firstly
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,
Some
Fix capitalization
some
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 individuals have a lack of self-confidence.
Due to
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 that
reason
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reason,
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 they can
idealising
Wrong verb form
idealise
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 famous
people
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 very hard. I need to clarify,
this
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 kind of person usually
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not like their physical
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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then
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 he or she can
copy
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 a celebrity who has a perfect shape for that ordinary person. As an example, I read a text on social media a year ago, and
one
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 influencer who is very famous said that
one
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 of her fallower is had a surgery more than ten times just wanted to look like her. The other idea is that these ordinary individuals, as I mentioned previously, have no specific dream.
Hence
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, they think that they need to
copy
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 them to be like them.
This
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 is
also
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 a
distort
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distorted
 thought
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I strongly disagree about that because
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this kind
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these kinds
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 of creatures
are
Verb problem
apply
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look like
pervert
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perverts
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.
For instance
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, in secondary
school
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school,
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 a friend of mine was addicted to a Korean pop band, and she
act
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acted
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 like
one
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 of
a singer
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the singers
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 in that group. She was
triying
Correct your spelling
trying
 to speak like the singer and even dress like her
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 she eventually thought that
one
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 day she
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 be the singer.
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Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 she
tought
Correct your spelling
thought
 that the real
one
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will
Wrong verb form
would
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 exit the group,
due to
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 my friend. In conclusion, I do not think
that
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is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
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 a good idea to
copy
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 famous personalities. Those
people
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 need a dream to
set
Verb problem
make
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 their lives more valuable.
May be
Correct your spelling
Maybe
 they can get a hobby
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they can speak to an expert for creating
more
Correct article usage
a more
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cheerfull
Correct your spelling
cheerful
 life.

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overall score
Score: 5. Your main ideas are clear, but some ideas are too strong or not fully explained. The order of ideas is sometimes hard to follow.
task response
Explain the first reason in a more direct way. For example, say that people may copy stars because they want to feel more confident, look better, or become popular.
task response
Be careful with very hard words about people, such as “pervert” and “creatures”. These words are not fair and do not help your answer. Say: “They may lose their own sense of self.”
task response
Make each example clearly support your point. In the first example, explain why the person had surgery and why this shows the danger of copying a star.
task response
Your second reason is not fully clear. Having no dream does not always make a person copy a famous person. Add a clear link: they may not know what they want, so they follow a star’s life.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body part. Body 1 can be about low confidence. Body 2 can be about having no clear goal. Then give one example for each idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not connect well. For example, the first part talks about dreams, plans, and action, but it does not clearly lead to copying famous people. Start more directly with the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the order of your ideas: “One reason is…”, “Another reason is…”, “For example…”, and “As a result…”.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending gives your view again, which is good. Make it stronger by briefly naming both reasons and then giving your final view.
task response
You answer both questions. You give reasons why people copy famous people, and you clearly say that you think it is not a good idea.
task response
You use examples from social media and school. These help show what you mean.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “Therefore”, “Firstly”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • celebrity culture
  • public figures
  • media exposure
  • a carefully constructed image
  • popular trends
  • social acceptance
  • role model
  • admire someone’s success
  • imitate someone’s lifestyle
  • positive influence
  • healthy habits
  • self-discipline
  • charitable work
  • blind imitation
  • unrealistic expectations
  • financial pressure
  • consumer behaviour
  • damage self-esteem
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