IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Read the question below and write an opinion essay. Remember to write down a clear thesis statement followed by your essay plan. Only then attempt to write this essay. Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To What extent do you agree or disagree?

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In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 I think it is correct that
celebrities
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 are more famous for their glamour and
wealth
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 rather
for
Correct word choice
than for
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 their achievement and I strongly agree with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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that statement.
Firstly
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 we live in an age where showing what you have will indicate your status,
therefore
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 if you are someone that wears brands and expensive juliries,
this
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 will show that you are wealthy and what you wear or the car that you drive is considered glamorous because it adds to your outfit, personality and the way other people perseve you, and that contributed in the competition between
celebrities
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 and who can be better at it.
Secondly
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 Social media played a huge role in
this
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, as
celebrities
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 and people take a lot of pictures showing their day to day life or what they have earned from their latest jobs, you'll see them showing off their new expensive cars, private jets and lavish life and some even will film a tour in their new huge mansion, one of the examples of
that is
Linking Words
 The kardashians, they started from nothing and now they are worth billions and they show their
wealth
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 and glamour on tv and instagram posts.
This
Linking Words
 makes the audience think that if you have more
money
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money,
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 you are more established in life
and
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, and
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 it creates a need for that. Everyone wants money and
wealth
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and
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, and
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 that need erases how consumers look at the achievements of the
celebrities
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 and how good they are. In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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 we shouldn't judge by their
wealth
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 or how much money or glamour they have
and
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, and
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 we should really focus on the art that they deliver. When in reality

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task response
Estimated score: 5. Your answer is on the topic, but your main view needs a clearer thesis and plan at the start. Write one sentence that says how far you agree, then say the two points you will explain.
task response
Explain more clearly why this is a bad example for young people. For example, say that young people may feel they must buy costly things, may feel sad about their own lives, or may think money matters more than hard work.
task response
Your last line, “When in reality”, is not finished. Remove it or finish the idea. Also, make the ending match your view: if you strongly agree, say clearly that this trend can be harmful to young people.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. In the first body part, focus on why glamour gets attention. In the second, focus on how social media makes this worse for young people.
coherence and cohesion
Some lines repeat the same point about money and wealth. Join them and add a clear link: “As a result, young people may value money more than real skill or hard work.”
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter sentences. A few sentences are very long, so the meaning is hard to follow. Put a full stop after one clear idea, then start the next idea.
task response
You give a clear view: you strongly agree. You also give two main reasons: the wish to show wealth and the role of social media.
task response
The example of the Kardashians is clear and linked to your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow it.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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