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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People are living longer. Some people think that it causes big problems. Others, however, think that the aging population has many advantages for business, government, and society in general. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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The topic of
people
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
apply
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living longer has been controversial. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it leads to huge problems,
whereas
Linking Words
 I agree with others who have thoughts that elders have many advantages for business, states, and the community in general. On the one hand, it is commonly believed that being older can contribute to some of the terrible
.
Check wording
things.
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 One of the most important reasons is that goverment might have to slipt cost to build more facilities for them, which should be sufficient for the
population
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 in the future. Not only buildings, but carer is alsoplay a major role in looking after the elderly.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the latest survey conducted by Bang Ruk aged care centre, there is a number of ageing
population
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 who have intentionally live in an aged care centre after their retirement.
This
Linking Words
 example shows that the authorities must plays in major role and prepare for the ageing
population
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 which is coming.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it seems to me that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 being aged
people
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 can bring lots of benefits back to society as well. The significant reason is the fact that many senior citizens have skills and experiences in either life or work.
This
Linking Words
 is because if the youngster would like to learn by hands-on, elders would be the right way for them. To illustrate
this
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, in the town
,
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of
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 Rochester, Victoria,
They
Fix capitalization
they
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 have an old building called Old Men's Shed that shows children how to use power and hand tools. In order to become
next generation
Correct your spelling
next-generation
 tradesmen, kids are able to learn from skilled elders step by step. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point because I strongly believe that Seniors are able to bring benefits to the community. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 can place financial pressure on governments and healthcare systems, I believe its benefits outweigh these challenges because older
people
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 continue to make valuable contributions to society and the economy.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Your ideas are on topic, but the first main point is not fully clear. Say more clearly why a larger old population is a big problem, for example: more money for health care, care homes, and pensions.
task response
Make your examples more clear and more closely linked to the point. In the first example, explain how more old people in care homes means the state must spend more money.
task response
Give one more good point for business or the state. For example, older people can buy more health, travel, and home help services. They can also work part-time and share skills.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. In body 1, start with the cost to the state, then explain it, then give the example, and then link it back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word order or missing words. For example, change “being older can contribute to some of the terrible” to “an ageing population can cause serious problems.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid link words that do not fit. “Not only buildings, but carer...” is not clear. You could write: “The state must also pay for more care workers.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same group. Use “older people” or “senior citizens” most of the time, rather than changing between “elders”, “aged people”, and “ageing population”.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. Your view is clear: the good points are greater than the problems.
task response
You use examples for both sides, such as care homes and the Old Men's Shed.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear link words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • ageing population
  • healthcare systems
  • long-term care
  • public spending
  • healthcare professionals
  • skilled labor
  • economic growth
  • mentorship roles
  • intergenerational relationships
  • volunteerism
  • consumer spending
  • health and wellness
  • elderly demographic
  • financial burdens
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