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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, it is easier for young people to have a credit card compared to the past. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

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In the contemporary era, the vast majority of teenagers own a
credit
Use synonyms
card
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 in comparison to the past. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will touch on both the benefits and drawbacks of
this
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 situation. Technology
advance
Correct subject-verb agreement
advances
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 day by day, and
this
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 leads to
enormouscompanies
Correct your spelling
enormous companies
 exposed to keep up with the trend. Having a
credit
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card
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,
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apply
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means that you can procure any item and
your
Verb problem
meet your
show examples
 demands whenever you want. To illustrate, sometimes you cannot allocate a huge
amount
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 of
money
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 for yourself because of daily needs and other personal requirements.
Moreover
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,
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
money
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, you can use your
credit
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card
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 to purchase products,
then
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 pay
later for them
Correct word order
for them later
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. Another factor is self-esteem, which
has
Verb problem
requires
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 a significant
amount
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 of
money
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 to ensure and keep self-confidence high.
For instance
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, individuals rely on their
money
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, which they can handle any issue with the help of
money
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.
On the other hand
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, dozens of bank sectors
accepted
Verb problem
agreed
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 to sell a
credit
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card
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 to teenagers to receive a large
amount
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 of
money
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expanding
Punctuation problem
, expanding
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professional
Correct determiner usage
their professional
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 scope
..
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
This
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 tendency leads to
weakness
Correct article usage
the weakness
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encrypted
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of encrypted
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 and confidential information
to share
Wrong verb form
being shared
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 with a third person.
For example
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,
inexperienced
Correct article usage
an inexperienced
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 person
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 a lot of mistakes with a
credit
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card
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,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they share
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
card
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 credentials on insecure platforms and
attempt
Wrong verb form
attempting
show examples
 to pay or subscribe
on
Change preposition
to
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 unreliable applications.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
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 they can lose a huge
amount
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 of
money
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 and share personal information and
bank’s
Check wording
bank
show examples
 data with unknown individuals. In conclusion, having a
credit
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card
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 boosts self-belief and provides a chance to get anything with the help of
money
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,
while
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 inappropriate use of a
card
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 results in losing
money
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 and sharing confidential information with someone.

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task response
Your main answer is not clear enough. The question asks if the good sides are more important than the bad sides. Say this clearly in the start and end. For example: “I believe the bad sides outweigh the good sides because young people may get into debt and lose private information.”
task response
Some ideas do not fit the question well. “Self-esteem” is not a strong good point of having a credit card. Use stronger points, such as easy online payment, help in an emergency, or learning to manage money.
task response
Explain each point more. In the first body part, say why paying later can help, but also say that it can make young people spend more than they have.
task response
Your examples need to be more real and clear. Instead of saying “inexperienced person make a lot of mistakes”, give one clear case: a young person buys many things online, cannot pay the bill, and then has debt.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part state one clear main point. For example: “One benefit is that credit cards make online shopping easier.” Then explain it and give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the ideas are not linked clearly. For example, the part about banks making money changes the focus. Keep the focus on young people and the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and careful way. Try: “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. Do not use many links if the idea is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats both sides, but it does not give a final choice. End with one direct answer: “Overall, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.”
task response
You talk about both good and bad sides of credit cards for young people.
task response
You give examples, such as paying later and sharing card details online.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “Moreover”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “Furthermore”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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