IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that children should follow their parent's advice. Others think that children should have the freedom to make their own choices. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is a general view that
parents
Use synonyms
 should look after and control their kids. Some people hold the belief that
children
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 should have the freedom to do as they please and make their own independent
decisions
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. I think that the youth should have the
rights
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right
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 to decide for themselves.
First,
Linking Words
making the
right
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decisions
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 for themselves can help them to decide what is good and
right
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 for them, and
this
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 will help them to make risky
choices
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 in the
future
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 that are hard for them, so they won't have to live with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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future
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 regret for mistakes that make them regret not going for the better
choices
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. Not only that, choosing the
right
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choices
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 can make them feel better because they don't have to rely
for
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on
show examples
 other people to decide what they will do.
For example
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,
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children
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children,
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 when seeing their friends and only having a sweet makes them decide whether to give their friends the only sweet or
not
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not,
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 as
this
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 questions them to choose either being friendly or taking the sweet for themselves, as
this
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help to
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 them choose the one they think is
right
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so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they can make bigger
decisions
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 for themselves in the
future
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.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 who listen to their
parents
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 usually make better
choices
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 in the first place because their
parents
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 have years of life experience that enable them to make
choices
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 with ease and see consequences that
children
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 are too young to see.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in many traditional cultures, obeying older people is seen as
respect
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a sign of respect
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 for them.
In addition
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, kids who follow their
parents
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' advice tend to avoid making mistakes that cause a huge impact on their lives in the
future
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. So, in conclusion,
children
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 who follow their
parents
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' advice
usually are always
Correct word order
are usually
show examples
 shielded from danger, but I think that we should let
children
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 have the freedom to make their own
decisions
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. So they could have the freedom to make their own
decisions
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 and to lead a life that belongs to them.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer covers the full task, but some ideas are not clear enough. In the first body part, you say children can make “risky choices”, but this is not explained well. Say clearly that small choices can help children learn, while parents should help with big or dangerous choices.
task response
Give a more real and useful example. The example about one sweet is too small and does not strongly show how children make important choices. You could write about choosing a school subject, a hobby, or friends.
task response
Avoid saying “the right choices” many times. Children may not always make the right choice. A better point is that they can learn from both good and bad choices.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. The main order is good, but some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Break them into shorter sentences. Each sentence should give one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part more focused. Start with one clear main point, explain it, then give one example. At present, the point about freedom, regret, risk, and relying on others is mixed together.
coherence and cohesion
Use links in a more natural way. You do not need “Not only that”, “Furthermore”, and “In addition” in every part. Simple links such as “For example”, “Also”, and “However” are enough.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph repeats your view. Make it shorter and clearer: parents should guide children, but children should make some choices for themselves.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. Your view is clear: children should have freedom to make choices.
task response
You give reasons for both views, such as parents having more life experience and children learning from their own choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “First”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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