IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is believed by some
people
Use synonyms
 that young individuals who commit crimes should be placed and treated as
adults
Use synonyms
. It might be true that young
people
Use synonyms
 should be treated like
adults
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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that is
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 not the entire case with the given statement
due to
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 several reasons and facts
which
Correct pronoun usage
that one
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 might not know about. First of all, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a lot of ways to play with young
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people brain
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people's brains
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 by other criminals, some
people
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 might play with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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them to do a lot of things.
Moreover
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,
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For
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for
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 example, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern
days
Add a comma
days,
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 there are some groups of drug dealers and mafia, which
uses
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use
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 kids for their
interest
Correct word choice
own interest
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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us
Use the right word
as
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 making them sell their drugs and promote it
due to
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 the fact that these are children
which
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who
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 will
make no police men suspicious with them
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not raise suspicion in the police
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.
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Also
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Also,
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 these teenagers are immatures their brains
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 not reach it is full
level
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potential
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,
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secondly
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Secondly
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,
Although
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, i do think that they should be treated like
adults
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but
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, but
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 not in all of the cases. If we let them do whatever they want without
consequence
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consequence,
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 the next generation will
get
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be
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 affected by them in the future.
For instance
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,
If
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if
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 a young child at a school
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 a bad thing and
run
Correct subject-verb agreement
runs
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 away with
it
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it,
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 other kids will do the same thing because there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 no rules or setbacks for their actions.
not
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Not
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 having rules
of
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for
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 young children might lead to a big issue that we are not ready for.
To sum up
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this
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 essay ,
i
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I
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 do think that if we treat those youths like
adults
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 might be harsh and cruel.
However
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, we have to take some actions toward them and put some rules and
affects
Use the right word
effects
show examples
 so that we have control over them.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer is on the topic, but your view is not fully clear at the start. Say your main view in one direct line: “I partly disagree because young people should be punished, but not in the same way as adults.”
task response
Explain why age matters. You say that young people are not fully grown, but add how this can affect their choices and why help, school, or training may work better than an adult prison.
task response
Make each example more complete. For the gang example, say what should happen to the child and what should happen to the adult who used the child. This will make your point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Put one main idea in each body part. Body 1 can be about young people being used by adults. Body 2 can be about why they still need rules and punishment.
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are hard to follow because they stop too soon or repeat the same idea. For example, “some people might play with them to do a lot of things” is not clear. Say exactly what those people make children do.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Do not start a new part with both “secondly” and “Although”. Try: “However, young people should still face the results of serious crimes.”
coherence and cohesion
Your last part repeats your view, which is good, but make it more direct: “In short, young people should be punished, but the punishment should fit their age and the crime.”
task response
You give a clear main view: young people should face rules and action, but they should not always be treated in the same way as adults.
task response
You use two useful examples: gangs using children, and a child at school who may copy bad acts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, main parts, and a short ending. This helps the reader follow your view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First of all”, “Moreover”, “For instance”, and “To sum up” show the order of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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