IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Old
people
Use synonyms
 are exposed to different challenges as they get older. Usually, their family should be responsible for their grandparents’ health.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 lots of
people
Use synonyms
 are aware of the importance of being near someone who is old , not everybody pays attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 field. In these types of cases , there are special places and
people
Use synonyms
 like nurses who take
care
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 old
persons
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Of course, there are costs to taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
persons
Use synonyms
.
Usually
Add a comma
Usually,
show examples
 the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
show examples
 is responsible for paying all costs and bills for an old man who lives in a home with other old
people
Use synonyms
 where there are nurses to look after them. My opinion is that the government should pay the maintenance of old
persons
Use synonyms
 if there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 no one interested in the family .
Although
Linking Words
is
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 sounds unpleasant,
that is
Linking Words
 a role of the government. Usually,
people
Use synonyms
 forget about their grandparents once they know their help will not be returned
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
For example
Linking Words
 ,an old friend of mine was uninterested in taking
care
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 his grandfather because he knew that the old man did not have any treasure to give him after his death. His view was wrong because his grandfather hid all his money very
careful
Rephrase
carefully
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 His inheritance was given to all members of the family except him.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
 , the cost of taking
care
Use synonyms
 of old
persons
Use synonyms
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on the circumstances . If there is somebody to take
care
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the old person and he
afford
Verb problem
can afford
show examples
 it, it is his responsibility to pay attention because members of the family should always be in strong relationships . If there is no one ,the government is responsible for
old peoples’ health
Correct word order
the health of old people
show examples

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task response
You give a clear main view: the family should pay when they can, and the state should help when there is no family help. However, explain this view more fully. Say why family care is fair, and why state help is needed for old people with no money or no family.
task response
Your example is clear, but it is mostly about money after death. Use an example that shows the cost of care, such as an old person who needs a nurse every day and whose family cannot pay.
task response
Make your answer more direct from the start. State who should pay in most cases, and say what should happen in special cases.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, two main parts, and an ending. This is good. Make each main paragraph begin with one clear point, then add reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas move too fast. For example, the first paragraph talks about family care, then homes and nurses, but the link is not fully clear. Use simple links such as “First”, “For example”, “However”, and “Therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same idea. Use “older people”, “care homes”, “family”, and “the government” more often. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph gives a fair answer, but it needs a stronger final line. Restate the main view: family should pay if they can, while the government should pay for people with no family help or no money.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view.
task response
You include a personal example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear ending that returns to the main question.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “Although”, “For example”, and “To conclude”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aging population
  • Elderly care
  • Nursing homes
  • Social welfare
  • Intergenerational responsibility
  • Caregiving
  • Financial burden
  • Quality of life
  • Pension funds
  • Healthcare policy
  • Taxation
  • Subsidies
  • Private insurance
  • Long-term care
  • Sustainability
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