IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think governments are responsible for people's health. Others believe it is an individual's responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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There is no denying the fact that
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
 is a vital part of our personal lives.
While
Linking Words
 some individuals believe governmental firms are obligated for
citizen's
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citizens'
show examples
health
Use synonyms
. Others firmly consider it
as
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apply
show examples
a personal responsibility.
This
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 essay will discuss both viewpoints and present my opinion. On one hand, proponents of the fact that governments should take responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their people's
health
Use synonyms
 often point to the availability of capital that could be spent
in
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on
show examples
 sports facilities, walking areas, and promotion of
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
 that will benefit people.
In addition
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, a proportion of the community
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not well educated. Which effectively means they are not conscious
about
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of
show examples
 the consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be seen in developing countries
such
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 as Somalia, where the majority of individuals suffer from diseases because social awareness is negligible.
On the other hand
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, good
health
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 conditions will only benefit the person
himself
Fix the agreement mistake
themselves
show examples
.
In other words
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, all members of society should have a sense of obligation towards their own
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
.
Moreover
Linking Words
. Taking responsibility enhances an individual's confidence,
Linking Words
also
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as well as
show examples
 the feeling of achieving objectives.
For instance
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, a recent study in Norway revealed that 70 per cent of citizens felt satisfied after they accomplished the annual healthy lifestyle schedule.
Consequently
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, personal
accomplishement
Correct your spelling
accomplishment
 plays an essential role in enhancing self-confidence. In conclusion, despite people holding diverse points of view. I firmly believe authorities should spread awareness and take respomsibility of resident's
health
Use synonyms
.

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overall score
Score: 6. This is a clear answer with both views and your opinion. To reach 7, explain your ideas more fully and make your opinion clear from the start.
task response
Your view is not fully clear. In the body, you say health is the person’s own duty. But in the conclusion, you say the state should take responsibility. State that both have a role, then say which role is bigger.
task response
Develop each main idea with one more step. For example, explain how parks and sports places can help people exercise more, or why some people may still not use them.
task response
Be careful with big claims. Instead of saying people in Somalia suffer from disease because people do not know enough, give a fuller reason, such as lack of health care, clean water, or money.
task response
The Norway example is useful, but it needs more detail. Say what the healthy plan included and how this shows personal duty.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one clear point. Paragraph 2 is about the state, and paragraph 3 is about the person, which is good. Add a short topic sentence that says the main point of each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some full stops break the flow. For example, “Moreover. Taking responsibility...” should be “Moreover, taking responsibility...” Also, “well educated. Which...” should be one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use links to show the contrast in your own view. For example: “Although the state can make healthy choices easier, people must choose to follow them.”
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion should sum up both sides and then give one direct final view. Avoid only repeating that the state should act.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view in the end.
task response
Your ideas are on topic. The examples from Somalia and Norway help explain your points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words, such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “In addition”, and “For instance”.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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