IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanners and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others feel that they have resulted in a loss of privacy. Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?

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In today's rapidly evolving world,
the
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apply
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innovation in
technical
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the technical
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 field
increasing
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is increasing
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 day by day. With that, many
of the individual
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individuals
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 believe that some tools like CCTV and body scanners are crucial for the safety from various criminal
activites
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activities
.
On the other hand
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, some argue that it is breaching the privacy of
person
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a person
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.
Therefore
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in
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, in
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 my opinion, I firmly agree that there are more advantages
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then its
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than
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 drawbacks. I will discuss
further
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 in the upcoming paragraphs.
Examing
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Examining
 the benefits, the
primaraly
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primary
 reason behind it was
security
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the security
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 of
citizen
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citizens
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 of
nation
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the nation
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. The reason is that,
due to
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this
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these
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 types of
tech
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tech,
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 we are able to reduce crime and theft
activites
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activities
 in certain places. Not only
saftey
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safety
 but
also
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 criminals
frightend
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are frightened
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 of
this
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 type of
teach
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teaching
, because it
detect
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detects
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 many hazardous materials which are harmful
for
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to
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 anyone.
Also
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, crowded places like the airports, shopping malls and many more have CCTV for mandatory reasons for shoplifting or carrying any firearms. Some
people
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 have recorded cameras in their car and house,
because
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apply
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for the reason of
saftey
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safety
.
For example
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, many
people
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 feel safe when they are around
cctvs
Capitalize the proper name
CCTVs
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 because no one can harm them there
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, and
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also
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 it will capture
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a person
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person
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person's
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 facial features if they do something.
However
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, there are some supportes believe that these
type
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types
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 of the item sometime invade privacy of
people
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because
,
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apply
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this
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these
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 things
made
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are made
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 up of some functional machines
and
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, and
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it
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they
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 can
get
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be
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 hacked easily by hackers. There are many
professional
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professionals who
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 claim that these tech products get easily misused by anyone if they
able
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are able
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 to control
it
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them
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. Adding on to it,
some time
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sometimes
people
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 use it for bad intentions by breaching into
someone private activites
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someone's private activities
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.
For instance
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,
according to
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 cybercrime
officers
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officers,
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report that
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apply
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many of the times criminals
hacked
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hack
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 and
recorded
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record
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others
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others'
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 personal
things
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information
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 and share it to internet
To conclude
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 and present my opinion. I strongly agree with the benefits of
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this
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these
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tools
Punctuation problem
tools,
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 it provides saftey and security and
also
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 prevent
the
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apply
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crime. There are
few
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a few
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 drawbacks
but
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, but
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 they are exceptional in some cases and
totally
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are
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 not considered as a huge impact on
a
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apply
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society. The advantages are going to have a
vitial
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vital
 impact on an individual and
to
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on
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 the community.

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overall score
Score: 5. The essay answers the question and has a clear view, but the ideas need more detail and better support. Some parts are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
task response
Make your answer to “outweigh” more direct. Say why safety is more important than privacy loss, not only that there are more good points.
task response
Develop each main point. For example, explain how CCTV can help find a person after a crime, and explain how rules can stop people from using video in a bad way.
task response
Use one clear, real-life example. Your example about hacked cameras is useful, but say who may be harmed and how this can be stopped.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, mix CCTV, body scanners, car cameras, and home cameras. Put CCTV in one part and body scanners in another, or group them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler links between ideas. For example: “First, CCTV can stop crime. It can also help the police find people after a crime.” This is clearer than long sentences with many ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same point. You say safety, security, and crime prevention many times. Add new reasons instead, such as faster checks at airports or help for police.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph should sum up the two sides and restate why the good points are greater. Do not add a new idea there.
task response
You answer the main question clearly. Your view is that the good points are greater than the bad points.
task response
You give points for both sides: safety and crime on one side, and loss of privacy on the other.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On the other hand”, “For example”, “However”, and “To conclude”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • deterrent
  • monitoring
  • invasion of privacy
  • crime prevention
  • public safety
  • security measures
  • data breaches
  • sensitive information
  • individual rights
  • societal complacency
  • emergency response
  • terrorist threats
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