IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many elder people are no longer looked after by their families but are put in care homes and nursing homes. What are advantages and disadvantages of this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Taking
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our
families
Use synonyms
 and looking to what they need is one of the humanity thing to do.
However
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
letting
Verb problem
are letting
show examples
 their
families
Use synonyms
 in
care
Use synonyms
homes
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 they
busy
Verb problem
are busy
show examples
 at work or
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 in
other
Correct determiner usage
another
show examples
 country.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to
reduce the
Replace the word
a reduction in
 family bonds and make
it less stronger
Fix the agreement mistake
them weaker
show examples
.I believe
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that leaving the geriatric
homes
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
pros and cons. In the following lines, the elderly
people
Use synonyms
 need a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
care
Use synonyms
 and attention. So in geriatric
Use synonyms
homes
Punctuation problem
homes,
show examples
 they can get the
care
Use synonyms
 that they need and the attention that they want
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 a great staff around them.
For example
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of sick elderly
people
Use synonyms
 need to take their medicine on time
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 well their are a nursing staff to alert them on time.A
lot
Use synonyms
 of studies
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 that many
people
Use synonyms
 who are busy at work and
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 out
off
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
homes
Use synonyms
 can’t take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
families
Use synonyms
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they often
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
leave their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 at the geriatric
homes
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, they can make sure that their family are being in a safe place.
Moreover
Linking Words
, being in well
care
Use synonyms
homes
Use synonyms
 has a
lot
Use synonyms
 of positive effects on the elderly
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 having new friends and making more relationships that can make them feel welcomed.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, being away from their
families
Use synonyms
 and home almost all the time
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 family relationships will
be not stronger any more
Correct word order
not be as strong anymore
show examples
. Family gathering will become more
less
Correct word choice
or less
show examples
 than it has been. From my own
experience
Add a comma
experience,
show examples
 I can tell that
people
Use synonyms
 who
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
show examples
 with their
families
Use synonyms
seems more
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
show examples
 happier and
enjoying
Wrong verb form
enjoy
show examples
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others who
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
show examples
 without their
families
Use synonyms
seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
show examples
 less
happier
Correct word choice
happy
show examples
 and more
depression
Replace the word
depressed
. In conclusion, no one can deny that
care
Use synonyms
homes
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of advantages and disadvantages. But in my opinion, I see that leaving our family in
care
Use synonyms
homes
Use synonyms
 is
inhumanity
Replace the word
an inhuman
 decision as it
our
Verb problem
is our
show examples
 responsibility to take
the fully
Replace the word
full
care
Use synonyms
 of them.

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task response
Score: 5. Your ideas are clear, but some need more support. Explain why trained staff can help old people, and why family visits may still be important.
task response
Use one clear example. Your personal example is useful, but say what you saw and how it shows your point.
task response
Keep the same main view. You say there are good and bad sides, but the end says care homes are inhuman. Say that care homes can be good when family cannot give safe daily care.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Put one main idea in each paragraph. The first body part is about good sides. The second body part is about bad sides. This is a good plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph easier to follow. Start with a short main sentence, then give a reason and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not clear or are too long. Use short links: “One good point is...”, “A bad point is...”, “For example...”, and “As a result...”.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “a lot of” many times. Use “many”, “some”, or leave it out.
task response
You talk about both good and bad sides of care homes.
task response
You give your own view in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “For example”, “Moreover”, and “On the other hand”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • professional care
  • medical attention
  • consistent care
  • social interaction
  • prevent loneliness
  • emotionally difficult
  • away from their families
  • expensive
  • financial burden
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