IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others belive that children learn teamwork. discuss both views and give your opinion

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
There is no denying the fact that physical activity
games
Use synonyms
 are essential for
children
Use synonyms
's skills development.
However
Linking Words
, it can be argued
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whether different sports can equip kids with
Use synonyms
competition spirit rather than with teamwork manner
Correct word order
a competitive spirit rather than with teamwork
show examples
. From my perspective, I believe that group
sport
Use synonyms
 activities can lead to collaborative work for
children
Use synonyms
 to learn.
This
Linking Words
 essay will shed light on the different views of
this
Linking Words
 case, discuss
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 related examples and provide my point of view. In terms
viewpoint
Change preposition
of viewpoint
show examples
 discussion of how
sport
Use synonyms
 can assess
children
Use synonyms
 in competing to win, it is widely suggested that in order to qualify to be a professional
team
Use synonyms
 player, a youngster is required to compete in the
games
Use synonyms
 with his or her peers to reveal certain talents and skills.
For Instance
Linking Words
, in the school Olympic program, students
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to demonstrate certain skills
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
team
Use synonyms
competition
Use synonyms
 in different Olympic
games
Use synonyms
 (
for example
Linking Words
, in athletics)
to
Punctuation problem
, to
show examples
 gain the gold medal
at the end
Linking Words
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 forms a sort of
competition
Use synonyms
 among players,
as well as
Linking Words
it creates
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 a purposeful contest environment.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it can be
disagreed
Verb problem
argued
show examples
 that sporting
games
Use synonyms
 would teach
children
Use synonyms
 teamwork rather than fighting issues. The main reason
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
given to support
this
Linking Words
 claim is that
team
Use synonyms
 collaboration is
essence
Correct article usage
the essence
show examples
 of group
games
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as in football, basketball, and volleyball. To clarify
this
Linking Words
, in a grouping game,
such
Linking Words
 as handball, the
children
Use synonyms
 pass the ball to other
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
 in order to score
goal
Correct article usage
a goal
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 type of physical movements teach young students how to
team
Use synonyms
 up at
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early stage.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 playing
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 is critical for youngsters to learn how to compete, it boosts
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 collaboration and
team
Use synonyms
 spirit
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their childhood.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the idea of
sport
Use synonyms
 is purely
competition
Use synonyms
 for kids cannot be supported, because it
also
Linking Words
 provides them with teamwork, collaboration and other critical
discipline
Fix the agreement mistake
disciplines
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

overall score
Score: 5. Your main ideas are clear, but some sentences are hard to understand. Better word choice and more clear support could raise your score.
task response
Make your opinion more direct in the first part. Say clearly that sport teaches both, but team sports teach teamwork more strongly.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For competition, say that children try to run faster, score more goals, or win a prize. For teamwork, say that they must pass, plan, and help each other.
task response
Your school Olympic example is not fully clear. Athletics is often an individual sport, so it is not the best example for team competition. Use football, basketball, or a relay race instead.
task response
Avoid unclear ideas such as “fighting issues”. This does not fit the question. Keep your ideas about competition and working as a team.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. Body 1 should be only about competition. Body 2 should be only about teamwork.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not natural. For example, “In terms viewpoint discussion” is hard to read. Use simple starts: “On the one hand” or “Sport can teach children to compete because...”
coherence and cohesion
Use simple and clear sentence forms. For example: “In handball, children pass the ball to a team member to score a goal.” This is easier to read than your current sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match your view. Do not only say that competition is not supported. Say that both skills are important, but teamwork is more important in team sports.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. This answers all parts of the question.
task response
You use examples of school sports and team games. These examples are on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “However”, “On the other hand”, “Thus”, and “To conclude” help the reader follow your ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: