IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment, why is the happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem.

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One of the main problems with offenders is that after serving their first punishment the number of them reoffend a crime again
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the reasons for deferring them in
this
Linking Words
 way are not resolved.
Firstly
Linking Words
, offenders commit
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
show examples
 again after the first release because they do not see a door which gives them
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
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 to live like others
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of finding a job to be
financial
Replace the word
financially
 independent. In the
Use synonyms
prison
Add a comma
prison,
show examples
 they do more
simply
Replace the word
simple
 work
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 a lot of them have lost the skills that they had in their life. Individuals are serving their sentences, always communicating with each other and remaining in the environment related to punishment. Work for rehabilitation and preparation for them to
difficulties
Verb problem
face the difficulties
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 of life after serving their sentence should be started at the
prison
Use synonyms
. One way gives them
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to learn to obtain a new skill. With the development of
technology
Add a comma
technology,
show examples
 there are opportunities to study different courses
on line
Correct your spelling
online
. It is necessary to set up learning spaces where computers or screens are
for
Correct word choice
available for
show examples
 training.
This
Linking Words
 would be provided more like
learning
Correct article usage
a learning
show examples
 environment and communications related to looking for additional skills in their life. These measures help them to blend in well after
prison
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, in
current
Correct article usage
the current
show examples
 time there is
opportunity
Correct article usage
an opportunity
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 to change and help offenders through organizing on line education and
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
base
Check wording
basis
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 to try to change
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 in the
prison
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Score: 5. Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say why not having a job can make a person return to crime: they may have no money for food or a home.
task response
Give one clear real-life example. For instance, a person can learn computer work in prison, get a job after prison, and then have less need to commit crime.
task response
Your first sentence is not clear. Say directly that people may commit crime again because they cannot find work and because prison does not help them change.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, focus only on reasons. In the second, focus only on ways to help.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas: “This means that…”, “As a result,…”, and “For this reason,…”. These will make the flow easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are hard to follow, such as “the reasons for deferring them in this way are not resolved.” Use short, clear sentences instead.
task response
You answer both parts: why people commit crime again and what can be done.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: no job after prison, and learning new skills in prison.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words, such as “Firstly”, “One way”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation programs
  • social stigma
  • ex-convicts
  • reintegration
  • support systems
  • mental health issues
  • addiction problems
  • criminal networks
  • incarceration
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