IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Surveillance cameras in banks, offices, shops and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and public, but they are also took for their users to spy on people's private business. what problems do surveillance cameras create? what are the solutions?

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The application of
surveillance
Use synonyms
cameras
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 has contributed positively to the reduction of crime in the workplace and public places.
However
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, they are
also
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 often misunderstood as a tool for users to spy on people's private business.
This
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 essay attempts to shed light on the issues it can create before suggesting some solutions. The foremost threat
surveillance
Use synonyms
cameras
Use synonyms
 can pose is a privacy attack on an individual's life. When applied in the workplace and public,
cameras
Use synonyms
 can capture photos and record videos of personal routines. People' s paychecking in banks, talks with colleagues in offices, purchasing in shops, or walking on the streets, can be seen clearly and stored in the camera bank every day. The likely chance is that some users may exploit these public captures to steal information or stalk others illegally. In the long run,
such
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 intrusion can trigger fears and distrust among citizens when going into community places, where the security of life remains fragile and affects their mental health. Efforts made by governments are crucial to resolve
this
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 problem. Specifically, authorities should put some users of
surveillance
Use synonyms
cameras
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 under strict test, ensuring that their ultimate aim is to decrease public crimes
while
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 avoiding spying on people's business. An intertwined checking and investigative national and local system can be useful, as it can examine whether other
surveillance
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 sides take the right actions. In conclusion, despite their usefulness in crime reduction,
surveillance
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cameras
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 can
also
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 bring some downsides, noting privacy invasion. To deal with
such
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 a situation, the government's wise policies can support a more comfortable life for residents.

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task response
Add one more problem. For example, camera data can be lost or sold, and this can put people in danger. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Make the solution more clear and real. Say who can see the videos, how long videos can be kept, and what should happen to people who use videos in a bad way.
task response
Some examples are not fully clear. Instead of “camera bank”, say “video records” or “camera records”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main idea in one clear order: state the problem, explain it, then give an example and result.
coherence and cohesion
The second body part is too short. Give two or three clear steps: make laws, limit access, and check camera users.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler and more direct sentences. For example, change “An intertwined checking and investigative national and local system” to “The national and local government should check camera use often.”
task response
You answer both questions: you show problems and give a solution.
task response
Your main problem is clear: cameras may harm private life and may be used to steal facts or follow people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “However”, “Specifically”, “In the long run”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • privacy invasion
  • misuse
  • cybercriminals
  • over-reliance
  • psychological impact
  • data storage
  • data breaches
  • compliance
  • behavioral changes
  • regulations
  • signage
  • encrypting
  • secured storage
  • privacy rights
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