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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the question of
cooperation
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 has
debated
Verb problem
been debated
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern society. Many individuals strongly believe that
team
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sports
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 at school
is
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are
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 the best way to improve teamwork and
cooperation
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.
While
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 cooperative
skills
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 can be taught in educational institutions by improving communication and social
skills
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, I partly agree with that statement because of
limited
Correct article usage
the limited
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 resources, which are provided in schools and are not able to learn
cooperation
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. On the one hand, many
team
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sports
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 at school can help to gain valuable
skills
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,
such
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 as communication and cooperative
skills
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. When children are engaged in
teamsports
Correct your spelling
team sports
, they are likely to interact with other
students
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, improving their social
skills
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.
Consequently
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, these
skills
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 that
learned
Verb problem
are learned
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 from
team
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sports
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 can be applied to other aspects of life, especially to their future job prospects.
Furthermore
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,
sports
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, which require teamwork,
such
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 as football or basketball, promote a sense of belonging and camaraderie among children. By participating in them, every member of
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team
Correct article usage
the team
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 understands that
he is
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they are
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 essential and can trust to his teammates.
Consequently
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, it helps teenagers to improve their
feeling
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feelings
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 of self-confidence and importance.
As a result
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, taking part in
team
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sports
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 is benefical way to improve
cooperation
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 and social
skills
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 among pupils.
On the other hand
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, limited resources at educational establishments can be a major obstacle for
students
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 to learn how to cooperate with classmates.
This
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 is because building a strong
team
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 normally requires a great deal of funding to hire well-qualified coaches and
purschase
Correct your spelling
purchase
 equipment, which provides young people with proper facilities and professional guidance. As an illustration, several professional coaches who were teaching ice hockey at schools in Canada suggest that playing
this
Linking Words
 sport is a great way to learn how to collaborate with teammates.
However
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,
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of funding in many public schools, their teams have been disbanded, so
students
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 miss a valuable opportunity to learn
cooperation
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. In conclusion, with proper funding, an idea to teach young individuals to collaborate with teammates can be created, and will be able to help
students
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 to gain valuable social
skills
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.

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task response
Score: 5. Your main view is there, but it is not fully clear. You say school team sports are useful, then say schools may not have enough money. This does not fully show why team sports are not the best way. Add other ways children can learn to work with others, such as group class work, school plays, or home tasks.
task response
Make the second main part answer the question more directly. Lack of money means some schools cannot offer sports, but it does not prove that sports are less good than other ways. Compare sports with one or two other ways of teaching children to work together.
task response
Your ending should restate your partly agree view. At present, it mainly says that sports can help if there is enough money. Say clearly that sports are one good way, but not always the best way.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. The order of ideas is easy to follow, but some sentences are hard to understand. For example, the last part of the introduction is unclear. Use short, direct sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main part focused on one point. In the first part, move from communication, to trust, to self-confidence. These ideas are linked, but explain the link more clearly: children talk, plan, and depend on each other; therefore, they learn to work as a team.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use “Consequently” too many times. Use simple links like “Also”, “Because of this”, “For example”, and “However” when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For the second part, you could write: “However, team sports are not the best way for all children because many schools cannot provide them.”
task response
You give a clear partly agree view. You also discuss both sides of the question.
task response
Your examples of football, basketball, and ice hockey are linked to the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words such as “On the one hand”, “Furthermore”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cooperation
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • values
  • applied
  • aspects
  • belonging
  • camaraderie
  • participating
  • essential
  • social skills
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