IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons tp your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experiences.

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It is undeniable that children have different adjectives.
While
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 some individuals believe that it is crucial for children to be competitive. An opposing argument states that they must be cooperating rather than competing in order to become more useful in the future.
This
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 essay will discuss both viewpoints and present my personal opinion. On one hand, proponents of the motivation of children to have a sense of competition often point out that it enhances productivity,
as well as
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 the skill of performing under high pressure.
This
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 is largely because the constant challenges against each other
accelerates
Correct subject-verb agreement
accelerate
show examples
 thinking and time management. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in a French school, where a mathematics teacher had innovated a new method of teaching, which
is
Verb problem
involves
show examples
 doing an exam containing 20 questions that should be answered in 15 minutes on a daily basis.
As a result
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 of that, students' mental abilities improved notably.
On the other hand
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, cooperation is essential for future assignments and projects that require a group of individuals
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 having a competing mentality causes selfishness and no distribution of functions.
Moreover
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,
cooperational
Replace the word
cooperative
 work
such
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 as brainstorming and problem solving creates entrepreneurial skills among young students
due to
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 teamwork.
For instance
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, a recent study in Germany revealed that group
working
Replace the word
work
 in schools has increased the probability of becoming a future entrepreneur by roughly 20 per cent. In conclusion, there is no straightforward response to the given question.
However
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, I tend to hold the view that encouraging young learners to cooperate with others is more beneficial than competing.

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task response
Give a clearer opinion in the opening. Say from the start that cooperation is more useful, while competition also has some good points.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain exactly how competition helps children later in life, and how cooperation makes them more useful adults.
task response
Your examples are useful, but they sound made up. Use a simple real-life example, such as team sports, class projects, or a school group task.
task response
The final paragraph is too weak. “There is no straightforward response” does not fully match your clear choice. State your view with more force.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. For example, change “the constant challenges against each other accelerates” to “constant challenges make children think and work faster”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. In the cooperation paragraph, first explain group work, then give the example, then link it back to useful adults.
coherence and cohesion
Use links with care. “As a result of that” can be “As a result”. Also, do not use too many long phrases when a short sentence is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Make the opening more direct. “Children have different adjectives” does not fit the topic. Begin with the two views about competition and cooperation.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view in the end.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: competition can build speed and work under pressure, while cooperation can help with group work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, one side, the other side, and a final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, and “For instance”.
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