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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Schools
Use synonyms
 are often regarded as institutions whose
primarly
Correct your spelling
primary
 goal is to prepare young children for their future roles in
society
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.
While
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education
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 should provide
students
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 with the skills needed to become responsible citizens and productive workers, I disagree that
this
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 should be its main goal.
Schools
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 should help
students
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 to develop their abilities, personal independence, and interests. On the one hand, preparing
students
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to
Change preposition
for
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 their future roles in
society
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 is an important function of
education
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.
Schools
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 provide
students
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 with
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
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 knowledge that
are
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is
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 necessary for their future job opportunities.
For example
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, pupils who develop literacy, numeracy, and communication are more likely to find employment and perform more effectively.
Furthermore
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, educational establishments promote several moral values,
such
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 as
responsobility
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responsibility
 or respect, which are essential for maintaining a stable
society
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.
Therefore
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,
education
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does
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apply
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not only enable to promore academic knowledge, but
also
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 develops
students
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' social skills.
However
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, I believe that
schools
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 should
primarly
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primarily
 support the development of
students
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 as
individuals
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. Every child has
own
Correct determiner usage
their own
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 abilities, interests and ambitions,
end
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and
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education
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 should help to discover and develop these qualities.
For example
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, subjects
,
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apply
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such
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 as art, music
or
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, or
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 sport
does nor
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do not
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 directly prepare young
individuals
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 for employment, but they can foster creativity, confidence and self-discipline.
Moreover
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,
education
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 should encourage
students
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 to think independently rather than simply training them to
fulfi
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fulfil
 predetermined social roles. These personal qualities can
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
 contribute to
society
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 in the long term, since independent and confident
individuals
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 are more likely to bring
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
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 impact on communities. In conclusion,
although
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schools
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 have an important responsobility children for employment and
citizenchip
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citizenship
, I believe their
purpore
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purpose
 should not be limited to serving
society
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. Developing
students
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' personal qualities and helping them to become more independent
individuals
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 is equally
.
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important.
show examples

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task response
Estimated score: 7. Your answer covers all parts of the question and gives a clear opinion. To reach a higher score, explain more fully why personal growth should be the main aim, not just an equal aim. Your last line says it is “equally” important, which is a little less strong than your view in the opening.
task response
Make each example do more work. For art, music, and sport, say how these skills can also help children in later life and at work. This will make the link to the question stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are in a good order, but some links are not smooth. For example, “Therefore, education does not only enable to promote academic knowledge” does not clearly follow the line before it. Use a simpler link: “As a result, schools help children learn both work skills and social skills.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words through the essay. You use “schools”, “education”, “educational establishments”, “students”, “pupils”, and “young individuals”. Some change is good, but too much can make the text less direct. Use “schools” and “students” more often.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form, as some errors can slow the reader down. For example: “prepare students for their future roles”, “knowledge that is necessary”, “every child has their own abilities”, and “helping them become more independent is equally important.”
task response
Your view is clear: schools should help children become good citizens and workers, but they should also help each child grow as a person.
task response
You give good reasons on both sides, such as work skills, moral values, art, music, sport, confidence, and free thought.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, your view, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “On the one hand”, “However”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • foundational knowledge
  • career success
  • economic contribution
  • personal development
  • critical thinking
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • balanced education
  • community well-being
  • holistic education
  • academic and personal growth
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