IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It has been argued whether schools should focus more on local
history
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 rather than global
.
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history.
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 From my perspective, educational institutions not only should help
students
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 to learn about local
history
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, but
word
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world
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history
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 should be learned as well. On the one hand, learning local
history
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 provides
students
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 to explore their own identity, customs and traditions.
This
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 can be achieved by allowing pupils to visit nearby museums, which represent local culture and
herritage
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heritage
.
As a result
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, they feel interested in their own traditions, leading to a stronger connection with their cultural identity and encouraging them to preserve these customs in the future.
For example
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,
students
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 can read more historical articles or learn
mor
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more
 e about traditional festivals in order to share these
practicies
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practices
 with future generations.
On the other hand
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, schools should provide
students
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 with opportunities to learn about
word
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world
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history
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 because it
explaines
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explains
 major global events and cultural differences. By explaining
students
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 difference between many nations or religions, they can understand what
are
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apply
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the main reasons
of
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for
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 many wars or conflicts
.
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are.
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For example
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, studying the historical tensions between India and Pakistan can help
students
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 understand why political and cultural disagreements between countries can develop over time.
As a result
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,
students
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 become more tolerant
in
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of
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 the question of many traditions and cultures. In conclusion, a balanced programme is the best way to teach
students
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history
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, which connects local events with wider national and global developments.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Your answer is clear, but say more clearly how far you agree or disagree in the first and last parts. For example: “I partly agree, but world history is equally important.”
task response
Develop each main point a little more. Explain why learning local history helps children in daily life, and why world history can help them understand events today.
task response
Your examples are good, but make the link to your point more direct. After the India and Pakistan example, say how this can help students respect people from other places.
coherence and cohesion
Your order is good. To make it even clearer, begin each body part with one direct main idea, then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are used well, but do not use “As a result” too often. You can also use simple links like “This means”, “Also”, and “Because of this”.
coherence and cohesion
Check for breaks in words and spelling because they can stop the reader. For example, write “world history”, “heritage”, “practices”, and “explains”.
task response
You give a clear view: both local and world history should be taught.
task response
Your main points are on the topic, and the India and Pakistan example is useful.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • local heritage
  • community identity
  • historical landmarks
  • nearby museums
  • a sense of belonging
  • cultural traditions
  • local historical events
  • worldwide perspective
  • global developments
  • major historical events
  • cultural diversity
  • international conflicts
  • a narrow view
  • the school curriculum
  • strike a balance
  • make history relevant
  • understand the present
  • interconnected world
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