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Band 4.5

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In
rerent
Correct your spelling
recent
 times, there has been an ongoing debate regarding the availability of entertainment
Punctuation problem
, namely
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namely
Punctuation problem
namely,
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 online
games
Use synonyms
are
Correct pronoun usage
, which are
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 harmful. A group of individual believe that
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 on handheld devices
also
Linking Words
 play a crucial role in developing hands-on
skills
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 and enhancing critical thinking or soft
skills
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.
Conversely
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, others argue that playing device
games
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a negative impact on humans and
to
Change preposition
on
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 the society they live
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
Body paragraph 1
Examining the former opinion, the primary argument that supporters would put forward is that
video
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games
Use synonyms
 play a crucial role in helping reduce stress. A critical
aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
show examples
 to consider is that playing
games
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 can serve as an efficient way to relieve pressure after a busy day.
For instance
Linking Words
, one can observe that students can play simple
games
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 for a short
time
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 after studying to relax and refresh their minds. What is more, another important point to
emphasize
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emphasise
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 is that videos game are a powerful tool for developing problem-solving
skills
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.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
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 the fact that players need to think carefully, make quick decisions and find solutions to complete different challenges, which can help them improve their critical thinking
skills
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the contrary
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, those in
favor
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favour
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 of the latter opinion have their own arguments.
To begin
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 with, they claim that the availability of
video
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games
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 on handheld devices can serve as a means of entertainment, but excessive use can be harmful to individuals
,
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. This
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this
Linking Words
 is because spending too much
time
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 playing
games
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 may lead to a sedentary lifestyle, lack of sleep and eye problems. A pivotal aspect to consider is that these
games
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 can
also
Linking Words
 have negative effects on people’s social lives.
Furthermore
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, people who spend excessive amounts of
time
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 playing
games
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 may have less
time
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 for face-to-face communication with their family and friends, which can weaken their relationships and reduce social interaction.
For example
Linking Words
, young people who spend several hours per day playing
games
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 on their smartphones may prefer staying at home rather than participating in outdoor activities or meeting their friends.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
video
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games
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offers
Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
show examples
 a multitude of advantages that
extent
Verb problem
extend
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 far mere broaden their horizons
, the
Punctuation problem
. The
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 benefits of online
games
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 should not be underestimated,
which
Correct word choice
as they
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 can provide more soft
skills
Use synonyms
 and develop problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I partly agree
with
Correct word choice
that
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
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 are harmful to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society and
human
Check wording
humans
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,
which
Correct word choice
as they
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 can serve as a means of
distracting
Replace the word
distraction
 in studying,
eye-disorder
Verb problem
cause eye disorders,
show examples
 and
less
Verb problem
lead to less
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 interaction with other people.

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task response
Score: 5. Your view is not clear enough. The question asks how far you agree or disagree, but you first give both sides and only say “partly agree” at the end. State your view in the first part and keep it the same to the end.
task response
Make your answer more direct. Say if games are harmful mainly because of too much use, or if they are not harmful when people limit their time. Then make each main part support this view.
task response
Some ideas need more detail. For example, explain how problem-solving in games can help in real life, or why phone games can make people spend less time with others.
task response
Your end has unclear ideas: “offers a multitude of advantages that extent far mere broaden their horizons.” Use simple, clear words instead. For example: “Games can help people relax and think, but too much gaming can harm health and social life.”
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Your order is mostly clear, but some sentences are too long and join many ideas with commas. Split them into short sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each part. In the first body part, focus on one or two good effects. In the second, focus on harm from too much gaming. Explain each point before moving to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Some link words do not fit well. “On the contrary” is not the best choice because the bad side does not fully go against the good side. Use “However” or “On the other hand” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as “crucial role”, “important point”, and “aspect to consider”. Use simple links: “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
task response
You give both good and bad sides of games. You also give clear examples, such as students playing for a short time after study.
task response
Your main points are on topic: stress, problem-solving, sleep, health, and time with family and friends.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, good side, bad side, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words such as “For instance”, “On the contrary”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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