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Writing Samples
Band 6

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent times, there has been an ongoing debate regarding the availability of entertainment
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
, online
games
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 , which are harmful. A group of individual believe that
video
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games
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 on handheld devices
also
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 play a crucial role in developing hands-on
skills
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 and enhancing critical thinking or soft
skills
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.
Conversely
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, others argue that playing
device
Replace the word
video
games
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 has a negative impact on humans and on the society they live
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
 Examining the former opinion, the primary argument that supporters would put forward is that
video
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games
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 play a crucial role in helping reduce stress. A critical aspect to consider is that playing
games
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 can serve as an efficient way to relieve pressure after a busy day.
For instance
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, one can observe that students can play simple
games
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 for a short
time
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 after studying to relax and refresh their minds. What is more, another important point to emphasise is that videos game are a powerful tool for developing problem-solving
skills
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.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that players need to think carefully, make quick decisions and find solutions to complete different challenges, which can help them improve their critical thinking
skills
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.
On the contrary
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, those in favour of the latter opinion have their own arguments.
To begin
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 with, they claim that the availability of
video
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games
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 on handheld devices can serve as a means of entertainment, but excessive use can be harmful to individuals.
This
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 is because spending too much
time
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 playing
games
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 may lead to a sedentary lifestyle, lack of sleep and eye problems. A pivotal aspect to consider is that these
games
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 can
also
Linking Words
 have negative effects on people’s social lives.
Furthermore
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, people who spend excessive amounts of
time
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 playing
games
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 may have less
time
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 for face-to-face communication with their family and friends, which can weaken their relationships and reduce social interaction.
For example
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, young people who spend several hours per day playing
games
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 on their smartphones may prefer staying at home rather than participating in outdoor activities or meeting their friends. In conclusion,
video
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games
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 offer a multitude of advantages that extend far mere broaden their horizons. The benefits of online
games
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 should not be underestimated, as they can provide more soft
skills
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 and develop problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I partly agree that
video
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games
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 are harmful to society and humans, as they can serve as a means of distraction in studying, cause eye disorders, and lead to less interaction with other people.

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task response
Score: 6. Your answer is relevant, but your view is not fully clear in the introduction. State your position early, for example: “I partly agree because games are useful in small amounts, but heavy use is harmful.”
task response
Develop the main point about society more. You explain harm to people well, but social harm could be clearer: less time with family, weaker real-life ties, and less outdoor group activity.
task response
Keep your final view balanced. The last paragraph says games have benefits, then says they are harmful. Explain that the harm comes mainly from too much use, not from all games.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. Your paragraph order is clear, but some lines do not link well. For example, “video games on handheld devices can serve as a means of entertainment” does not add much. Go straight to the main harm.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer set phrases such as “A critical aspect to consider” and “A pivotal aspect to consider.” They make the writing sound less natural. Use simple links: “Also,” “However,” “As a result,” and “For example.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion more direct. Do not add new ideas such as distraction in study unless this was fully explained in the body. Sum up the two main points only.
task response
You answer both sides and give your own view: you partly agree.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: games can help with stress and thinking, but too much gaming can harm health and social life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples, such as students playing for a short time after study and young people staying at home.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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