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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

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The bar chart
despicts
Correct your spelling
depicts
 the proportion of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in various
age
Use synonyms
 groups who exercised regularly in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is noticeable that the percentage of
women
Use synonyms
 who did physical activities in all
age
Use synonyms
 categories
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more than
Use synonyms
men
Correct pronoun usage
that of men
show examples
, except
males
Change preposition
for males
show examples
 aged between 25 and 34.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 aged 45 to 54 recorded the highest figure in training
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
in contrast
Linking Words
, males aged 35 to 44 stood at the lowest level.
Initially
Linking Words
, among those aged 15 to 24
females
Punctuation problem
, females
show examples
 were physically more active than males, accounting for 52.8 and 47.7
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
. For the next
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, the pattern reversed, with
men
Use synonyms
 recording 48.9 and
women
Use synonyms
 42.2.
In addition
Linking Words
, the gap between both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
 aged 35 to 44 is remarkable
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 in that
group
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 were less prone to
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 exercises, the figure was just under 40%, making it the lowest recorded figure in the given chart
,
Punctuation problem
. However
show examples
however
Linking Words
, figures for
women
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 52.5. In older
age
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 categories,
women
Use synonyms
 continued to outperform the opposite gender.
the
Capitalize the word
The
show examples
 percentage for
women
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 in the 55 to 64
age
Use synonyms
group
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 was 53, that of
men
Use synonyms
 was 45.1.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
 margin between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 groups aged over 65
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 almost narrow
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 being 1% ahead. (47.1 & 44.1%).

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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