IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The best way to reduce youth crimes is to educate their parents with parental skills. To what extent you agree or disagree?

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There are various reasons that result in crimes committed by youths. A suggested solution is teaching their guardians
with
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apply
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parental skills. From my perspective, I disagree to a large extent with the presented suggestion.
Initially
Linking Words
, not all parents can provide a luxurious lifestyle for their children. Most children feel jealous
about
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of
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 their peers, whether by their expensive cars, devices, or even outfits.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 will lead some children to commit robbery when they get older.
In addition
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, a teenager's personality and ethics are shaped at school by his colleagues.
Therefore
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, guardians cannot take control of his behaviour, no matter how
they are educated
Correct word order
educated they are
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 in parenting. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in some schools in Venezuela, where a large proportion of crimes are committed by students inspired by unethical colleagues.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, with the popularity of social media platforms. Some youths are affected by common violated beliefs about causing uncertainty,
such
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 as murdering, stealing, and sexual harassment. The primary reason is that they spend a lot of time browsing social media
,
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;
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as a result
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 of that, they trust any idea, despite the fact that it is wrong.
For instance
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, a recent study from Harvard University states that 18 per cent of teenagers believe that wealthy people are the main reason for their poverty, and they must be killed.
Consequently
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, communication applications could transform the mindset of a whole generation In conclusion, despite individuals holding diverse points of view. I firmly believe that parental skills cannot decrease crimes among youths, as other factors heavily affect.

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task response
Score: 6. Your answer is on the topic and your view is clear. However, the question asks if teaching parents is the best way. Explain more clearly why this is not the best way, and say what would work better.
task response
Some ideas need more support. For example, poor children may feel jealous, but this does not always lead to robbery. Show the steps more clearly.
task response
Be careful with very strong facts, like the Harvard study. If you cannot fully explain a fact, use a more general example from daily life.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. Keep one main idea in each body part. In body 1, money, friends, school, and parents are all mixed together. You could use one part for home and parents, and one part for school, friends, and social media.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not full sentences. For example, “With the popularity of social media platforms.” Join it to the next sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence stronger and more direct. Say: “I believe parent training alone cannot reduce youth crime because school, friends, money, and social media also have a strong effect.”
task response
You give a clear view: you disagree to a large extent. Your main points are about money, friends, school, and social media.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, such as schools in Venezuela and a study from Harvard University.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Initially”, “In addition”, “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • mandatory
  • equip
  • psychological
  • constructively
  • foster
  • empowered
  • isolated
  • escalation
  • multi-faceted approach
  • eradicate
  • peer influence
  • socio-economic status
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