IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Academic staff by gender in 2008 between different type of subjects, arts, astronomy,history,engineering,law,medicine,science.

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Overall
Linking Words
, the
proportion
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 of
teacheing
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teaching
 astronomy, engineering, law and science between males
occured
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occurred
 significant increases,
whereas
Linking Words
 women were more prevalent at
teacheng
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teaching
 academic
Arts
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,
History
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 and
Use synonyms
Medecine
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Medicine
.
Notably
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Notably,
show examples
 engineering have pored the greatest result between males,
while
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 females showed the smallest. Focusing on the
mens
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men's
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proportion
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, they showed the highest figure
between
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among the
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 four subjects out of seven, with the engineering taking
the
Correct article usage
apply
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approximately 90%. Science and astronomy
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 around 67% and 65%.
While
Linking Words
 female representation was lower in
arts
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 and
medecine
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 with the former
accaunting
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accounting
 for 44% and 50%. It is visible that
,
Correct determiner usage
the
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 law occured 60%.
Onli
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Only
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
Use synonyms
 showed the lowest of man exhibit, at 30%. Turning to academic staff on
female
Replace the word
females
, they
occured
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occurred
 the highest
proportion
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between
Change preposition
among the
show examples
 three subjects
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
arts
Use synonyms
,
history
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
medecine
Correct your spelling
medicine
,
while
Linking Words
 teaching
arts
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 in female were 55 % opposed to male 45%,
History
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 indicated the greatest percentage between all of these subjects with 70% wheras,
men
Correct word choice
whereas men
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 demonstrated the lowest
proportion
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 with 30%.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
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medecine
Correct your spelling
medicine
 between
femeale
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females
 and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 showed approximately the same figure with 50% and 48%.

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task response
Score: 5. The main points are there, but some facts are not clear or may be wrong. Check every number and say clearly if it is for men or women.
task response
Do not say that men had "increases". The chart shows one year, 2008, so it does not show change over time. Say men had a higher share in these subjects.
task response
Give a full end to the final paragraph. The last sentence stops after "55%", so the comparison is not complete.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each sentence. Some sentences are hard to follow because there are too many ideas and numbers together.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple, clear forms: "Men made up about 90% of engineering staff." "Women made up 70% of history staff."
coherence and cohesion
Use the same order for both groups. For example, first say where men were higher, then where women were higher, and then mention the near-equal result in medicine.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear phrases like "between four subjects" and "occurred the highest proportion". Use "in four subjects" and "had the highest share".
task response
You give an overview and compare men and women in all seven subjects.
task response
You use key numbers, such as about 90% for engineering and 70% for history.
coherence and cohesion
Your answer has clear parts: an overview, men, and women.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as "while", "in contrast", and "turning to".
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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