IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays,
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 of
few
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a few
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 nations has
large
Correct article usage
a large
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 number of young adults
with compare
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to the old
people
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend has several benefits, I believe the advantage outweight them in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 run. Adventage of having
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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Check wording
proportion of
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young adults compared to older
people
Use synonyms
 is having more economic growth.
In other words
Linking Words
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should not have to spend money on older
people
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 as their population becomes very low, but can spend on younger
people
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 for better
meant
Wrong verb form
means
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 in
technology
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Because
Fix capitalization
because
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 of having very few investments
on
Change preposition
in
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 the old citizens,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 can focus and spend more on younger citizens,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will be a benefit for
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 , because
as
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apply
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in returen They will have more return on investment.
Secondly
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, encouraging younger
people
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 to focus more on the
technology
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 rather
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
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 supporting their grandparents,
this
Linking Words
 will innovate newer
technology
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 in the market.
Moreover
Linking Words
, younger
people
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 will use modern
technology
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 to get fast results
his
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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 will help to increase countries 's
grp
Correct your spelling
growth
 fast.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Disadvantage
Correct article usage
the disadvantage
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 of having more younger
people
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 compared to older
people
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 is that they have higher experiences in their field. Which means that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 older
people
Use synonyms
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 more
experesion
Correct your spelling
experience
 in their field than younger
people
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, as they have
higher
Correct word choice
more
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 years of work
experisened
Correct your spelling
experience
 in their field. Younger
people
Use synonyms
 will have very low hospital bills.
his will
Check wording
His
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 impact on the health sector of that nation, where there are very
low
Correct word choice
few
show examples
 old
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer is on the topic, but the main view is not fully clear. You say the good points are greater, but your first line says the trend has benefits and then says “the advantage outweigh them”. Say clearly: “I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.”
task response
Explain each point more. For example, a large young population can give a country more workers, more tax money, and new ideas. A small old population can also mean less need for health care and old-age support.
task response
Your point about young people not supporting grandparents is weak and may sound unfair. Use a clearer point: young people can bring new skills and start new businesses.
task response
The bad side needs more detail. Older people can pass on work skills, give care to children, and help families. Also, many young people may not find work, which can cause social problems.
task response
Add a short ending. Restate your view and say why the good side is greater. This will make your answer feel complete.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Put one main idea in each body paragraph. At present, the first good paragraph moves from old-age costs to technology, so the flow is not smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links more clearly. For example: “First, ... This is because ... As a result, ...” Then start the next point with “Second, ...”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the idea is repeated or not finished. For example, the last part about low hospital bills needs a clear link to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for key ideas. Write “young adults”, “older people”, “economic growth”, and “health care” in a clear and steady way.
task response
You give a clear main view: the good points are greater in the long run.
task response
You write about both sides: more young workers may help growth, while fewer old people may mean less work experience.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two good points, and one bad point.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For example”, “Secondly”, “Moreover”, and “On the other hand”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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