IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, mobile phone and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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The technological advances that have been made in
the latest
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recent
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 decades have a huge influence
in
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on
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 the social life of
people
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. They prove as a gateway to
a
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an
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 easier social life where you pick and
chose
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choose
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 what
others
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 see about you. The advantages mediate the negatives by a huge margin.
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Therefore
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Therefore,
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 we have the obvious,
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have a hard time integrating
in
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into
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 a social circle find it way easier to
recognize
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recognise
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others
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 with the same interests
and
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, and
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 the communication between these
people
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 has never been easier.
Firstly
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, we have those with somewhat more niche interests that can connect with their communities online.
For instance
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, those who play certain sports can find fellow
enjoyers
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enthusiasts
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 and share their progress.
This
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 can often lead to a surge of motivation when it comes to the core support on which humans so heavily rely
on
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apply
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.
Therefore
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, it is way better for those who lack the determination to keep going in specific niches to interact and positively compare
theirself
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themselves
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 to
others
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 in the same bubble.
Secondly
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, sharing hard evidence and information relating to certain subjects was quite difficult until now. To exemplify, we have all the old sayings that were disproven and debunked by random collectives of
people
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 on the internet that simply follow the same passion.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can't grasp how easy it is to communicate with
eachother
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each other
 and test or even experiment
various
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with various
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 logics that have been presented to us over the years.
To conclude
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, we as humans should come together more
often
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often,
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 as we can bring different aspects of the same problem to
surface
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the surface
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. To
summaries
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summarise
, we can always find
people
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 like us and communicate our interests with them. There is little harm in relating to
others
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 or even communicating with them over the web. We as
people
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 should come together and help
eachother
Correct your spelling
each other
 grow in whichever genre we are interested in.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You explain the good points well, but you do not clearly name or discuss any bad points, such as less face-to-face time, false news, or too much phone use. Add one full body paragraph on bad points, then explain why the good points are still stronger.
task response
Make your main view more exact. Say from the start that the good points are greater than the bad points, and give two clear reasons for this view.
task response
Use more direct and real examples. For example, explain how a person who has moved to a new city can use a group online to find people who like the same sport.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main paragraphs, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea and fully explain it before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. Use simple links such as “As a result”, “For example”, “However”, and “This means that” to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “Therefore” and “To conclude” in the middle of the essay. Save the final closing words for the last paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and clear phrases because some parts make the meaning hard to follow. For example, write “an easier social life”, “pick and choose”, “the good points outweigh the bad points”, and “themselves”.
task response
You give a clear main view that online tools help people make social links.
task response
Your ideas about finding people with the same interests and sharing information are on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: an opening, two main ideas, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples in both main paragraphs, which helps the reader understand your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • instantaneous
  • digital communication
  • geographical barriers
  • social networking
  • face-to-face interactions
  • overdependence
  • privacy concerns
  • cyberbullying
  • online communities
  • unparalleled access
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