IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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With the decline in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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government
Use synonyms
 jobs and
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 in
the
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apply
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private ones, there is a topic
that is
Linking Words
 raising
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
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 of concerns, which is regarding the welfare of
citizens
Use synonyms
 in old age. Some people say that it should be the duty of the
government
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 to take care of the finances of senior
citizens
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 after retirement,
while
Linking Words
 some say that
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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 has other priorities
Linking Words
This
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. This
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 essay will provide points as to why
citizens
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 should start thinking
for
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 age after retirement from their adulthood, and
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 some examples for the same. In a populated country, the
government
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 must invest in sectors that boost the economy
like
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, like
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-
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apply
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 education, tourism, infrastructure, medicine and so on. We should not assume that
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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 will provide finances to senior
citizens
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, or help them with other amenities after they
retire
Punctuation problem
retire,
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 as it will affect the development in other areas. A huge
money
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amount of money
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 is required to set up the infrastructure, or to strengthen the medical sector of a country. If the medical sector is not using
latest
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the latest
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 technology,
then
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 how can we imagine a good life for old people
.
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?
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Therefore
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, it makes sense that the
government
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 should provide incentives or make schemes for
youth
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the youth
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 of
nation
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the nation
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 or
investments
Replace the word
invest
 in other sectors, as that would help in the growth of the economy.
Last
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 but not least, taking care of old
parents
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 should be a responsibility of their
children
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, and not
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government
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the government
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. The
government
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 provides
lot
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a lot
show examples
 of employment opportunities for adults, which could be
utilized
Change the spelling
utilised
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to support and provide financial help to their
parents
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. In India,
majority
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the majority
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 of adults spend more money on leisure and irrelevant purchases,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 could be used for the welfare of
the
Correct article usage
their
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parents
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. If
children
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 will not
after
Verb problem
care for
show examples
 the needs of their
parents
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,
then
Linking Words
 who would do that
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 Looking after their needs
in
Verb problem
is
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 actually expected from
children
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, as
parents
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 took care of them
while
Linking Words
 they were young and their
booming
Correct word choice
growing
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 age. The
government
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 can provide facilities of healthcare or special schemes for senior
citizen
Check wording
citizens
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, but financial help after retirement
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is expected from
children
Use synonyms
 or senior
citizens
Use synonyms
 themselves. By and large,
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government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has other duties and sectors that it should invest in, and investing in those will be an
assest
Correct your spelling
asset
 to the
government
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. Providing money or finances for senior people
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 should not be expected of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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, as it could only provide facilities
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say directly whether you fully agree or partly agree. Your essay mostly agrees, but it also says the state should give health care and special help. Explain this balance clearly.
task response
Answer the full idea in the question. The question says the state has no duty at all. You should explain why the state may still need to give basic help to poor or sick old people, even if people should save for themselves.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and a real example. For example, explain how a basic state pension can stop old people with no family or low pay from living in poverty.
task response
Some examples are too broad, such as saying that most adults in India spend on leisure. Use a more careful example, or explain that this may happen in some families rather than in most families.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first paragraph shorter and more direct. The opening has long ideas about jobs, but the main question is about who should pay for retirement.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph moves between spending on growth, health care, and help for old people. Start with one topic sentence, then add reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between sentences. For example: “First, people should save because ...” and “However, the state should still help because ...” This will make your view easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check key sentences for missing words, as this can stop the reader from following your meaning. For example, write “If children do not look after their parents’ needs ...” rather than “If children will not after the needs of their parents ...”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “government should provide” and “financial help.” Use simple other words, such as “the state,” “support,” “basic care,” or “a pension,” where they fit.
task response
You give a clear view: people and their children should plan for old age, rather than expect the state to pay for all needs.
task response
You include ideas about public spending, health care, work, and family help. These ideas are linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes the main path easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Therefore” and “By and large” help show links between parts of the essay.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement savings
  • financial planning
  • economic circumstances
  • government provision
  • basic state pension
  • financial independence
  • income disparities
  • aging populations
  • social safety net
  • tax burden
  • financial education
  • quality of life
  • personal financial responsibility
  • social inequality
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