IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people have decided to reduce the number of times they fly every year or to stop flying altogether. Do you think the environmental benefits of this development outweigh the disadvantages for individuals and businesses? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In contemporary society, some individuals have come to believe that reducing the number of times they fly annually and stopping flying altogether are enviromentally-friendly decision.
While
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 there are potential advantages to
this
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 phenomenon, I firmly believe the drawbacks far outweigh them.
Firstly
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, in the case of absolutely stopping flying, it will be much more complicated or even impossible to meet families with their close ones, who live overseas.
For example
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, there are a lot of international students who are under eighteen in the USA who may never have an opportunity to meet with their parents, siblings, and relatives
due to
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this
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 innovation. For teenagers, who are prone to foster self-esteem and confidence, it will be a huge blow.
Moreover
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, it is quite complex to understand
,
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apply
show examples
 how it will be difficult for parents, who have allowed their children to study abroad, to see their loved ones only on mobile devices.
Secondly
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,
this
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 development may influence the communities' economy adversely, as with stopping flying, authorities are able to lose their main source of income- tourism.
For instance
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, countries
such
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 as Thailand and Hawaii make a lot of money from tourists' annual arrivals.
In addition
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, disemployment has the potential to develop, because with the implementation of
this
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 project, employers of the airport, pilots, and hotel staff could become redundant.
As a result
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,
this
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 phenomenon has not only a negative effect on societies' economies, but
also
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 on in-demand workers' personal lives. In conclusion, reducing and forbidding flying altogether may involve significant benefits.
However
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, in my opinion, keeping on flies can be worthwhile as it provides work for a lot of employers, supportss economy of countries, and helps families to reunite.

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task response
Discuss the good sides of less flying more fully before you say why the bad sides are greater. For example, say that fewer flights can cut air pollution and help slow climate change. At present, you only say that there are benefits, but you do not explain them.
task response
Make the link to the question more direct. Explain why the loss of family visits, tourism, and jobs is greater than the gain for the earth. This will make your final view stronger.
task response
Be careful with very strong claims. Saying students may “never” meet their family is too strong, because they may use ships or travel less often. Say that visits would be much harder, slower, and more costly instead.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main part focused on one idea. In the first main part, start with family visits, explain the problem, then give the student example and its result. This will make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, but do not rely only on list words. You can show cause and result with phrases such as “because of this”, “therefore”, and “this means that”.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ending match your view in the opening. Replace “keeping on flies” with a clear idea such as: “people should reduce unnecessary flights rather than stop flying completely.” This also gives a more balanced final answer.
task response
You give a clear view from the start: the bad sides are greater than the good sides. You also give two main reasons: family life and jobs and money.
task response
Your examples about young students in the USA and places such as Thailand and Hawaii help make your ideas clear.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Words such as “Firstly”, “Moreover”, “Secondly”, “For instance”, and “As a result” help the reader follow your points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce
  • benefits
  • environment
  • pollution
  • travel
  • businesses
  • individuals
  • challenges
  • meetings
  • connections
  • effort
  • manage
  • remotely
  • money
  • stress
  • local
  • culture
  • discovering
  • innovative
  • technology
  • ways
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