IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The number of people who are at risks of serious health problems due to overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

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This
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 essay will explore the main reasons behind
this
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 trend and suggest some possible solutions. The number of
people
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 who are overweight has risen, which can cause serious health risks. Some
people
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 do not understand the long-term health risks of a poor diet and lack of exercise. Office work, online entertainment, sedentary habits, and car use have made our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 much less active. Busy parents may choose ready-made meals
instead
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 of preparing balanced
food
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 at home. Screen time and social media consume our time without being productive
and
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, and
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this
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 often replaces time that could
otherwise
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 be spent exercising, leading
people
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 to scroll or eat unhealthy
food
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instead
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, especially among children and young adults. Many
people
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 eat fast
food
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 and processed snacks because they are cheap, convenient, and widely available
,
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. For
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for example
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, in Saudi Arabia, there are not enough healthy restaurants, and the cities are not built for cycling, and poor road conditions and hot weather don't help either.
However
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, we cannot put the blame on the
people
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,
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;
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 governments should make public awareness campaigns,
for example
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, ads, taxing fast
food
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 and energy drinks, and schools should teach children about nutrition, portion control, the importance of regular exercise, and more physical education classes. In conclusion, the increase in overweight
people
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 is caused by sedentary habits, cheaper
food
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,
not
Correct word choice
and not
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 enough healthy alternatives. Tackling
this
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 issue requires individuals, the government, and schools working together. If these steps are taken, we can have much healthier and longer lives, and our future generations will avoid these health risks.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Give two clear causes and two clear ways to solve the problem. Then explain how each way can help.
task response
Your ideas are good, but some need more support. For example, explain how a tax on fast food may make people buy it less, and how more PE at school can help children stay active.
task response
The Saudi Arabia example is useful. Make it more exact by linking it to the main point: hot weather, few safe cycle paths, and few healthy food choices can make active and healthy lives harder.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear paragraph breaks. Put causes in one body paragraph and solutions in a second body paragraph. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and join many ideas with commas and 'and'. Split them into shorter sentences so each sentence has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the order of ideas: 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'For this reason'. Do not use too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the main words the same. For example, use 'overweight people' or 'people who are overweight' through the essay, rather than changing the phrase too often.
task response
You give clear causes, such as little exercise, office work, car use, fast food, and ready-made meals.
task response
You include useful solutions from both the government and schools, so the answer covers more than one group.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader that you will discuss causes and solutions, and the ending brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear general path: causes first, then solutions, then a short ending.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight population
  • serious health risks
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed food
  • fast-food consumption
  • sugary drinks
  • balanced diet
  • portion control
  • regular physical activity
  • calorie intake
  • public awareness campaign
  • nutrition education
  • healthy food choices
  • sports facilities
  • cycle lanes
  • preventive measures
  • government regulation
  • workplace wellness programmes
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