IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Creative artists should be given the freedom to express their ideas (through words, pictures, music, or films). However, some people think the government should impose certain restrictions on them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 modern world, Creative artists are often a subject for debate.
While
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 others, including myself, believe that the artists have their rights to choose any category to express their feelings, others argue that it should be more restrictive and more instructive with a specfic rules. On the one hand, many
people
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 demand that the government should be more restrictive about the ideas
people
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 share with others. They contend that these influence our society and lead to more difficulities to protect our communities from a negative impact.
For example
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, a teenager attends movies with smoking actors , they copy those bad attitudes, which is considered a big issue, and requied huge budget to just change the society awareness.
On the other hand
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, many research studies found that freedom is considered the most effective way to promote health,
in addition
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,
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apply
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 to providing education.
For instance
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, choosing your own word can easily improve your mindset.
For example
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, one day when I was in my duties as a nurse, i recive one patients who was always carrying without any reason. I advice himto shows us the experience he feels
, after
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. After
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 that , all the healthcare teams noticed improvement in his vital signs , and patients were discharged early from the hospital. In conclusion, God give us the plants to live on whenever we feel comfortable, gives us the whole world to select the environment we like, impose
people
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 to breathe about their feelings can put
people
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 at risk, with unpredictable issues.In my view, sharing ideas with close monitoring is much better than refusing
at all
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altogether
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.

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task response
Make your main view more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly how far you agree: for example, artists should be free in most cases, but the state may stop work that causes real harm.
task response
Keep every point close to artists, art, and state rules. The hospital story is about a patient sharing feelings, so it does not clearly show why artists need freedom.
task response
Explain what rules you mean. You could write about stopping child harm, calls for hate, or false news. Then explain why normal art, even if it is shocking, should not be stopped.
task response
Develop the smoking-film example more carefully. Watching smoking may affect young people, but this does not always mean the state should ban the film. Say what kind of warning or age rule may help instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. Start with a topic sentence, explain it, give one fitting example, and link it back to your view.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are hard to follow. For example, the last paragraph moves from freedom to health, education, nursing, and hospital care. Keep the same topic from start to end.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is not fully clear. Restate your view in simple words and do not add new ideas about God, plants, or breathing. These ideas do not link well to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer examples, but explain each one more. This will make the essay easier to read and your points stronger.
task response
You give a clear view that artists should have freedom, but there can be some watching of what they share.
task response
You try to use examples, such as films with smoking and your work in a hospital.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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