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Writing Samples
Band 5

The family has a great influence on children's development, but the influence from outside the home plays a bigger part in children's life. Do you agree or disagree?

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Family certainly has an enormous
influence
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 on
children
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's development;
however
Linking Words
, some
people
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 believe that experiences outside their home have an even deeper impact on their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. I entirely agree with the previous statement, as in a lifespan, the time
people
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 spend outside their
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 house
,
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apply
show examples
 is larger
,
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apply
show examples
 and more impactful
,
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apply
show examples
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
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 the time they spend living with family members. Certainly, the family is all a
child
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 knows in the first years of his
life
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. The family members will be the ones teaching the
child
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 about their culture and values, shaping
inevitably his beliefs and habits
Correct word order
his beliefs and habits inevitably
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, events
happened
Correct pronoun usage
that happened
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 during childhood
,
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apply
show examples
 can have a deep impact on the personality of a person, especially if traumatic.
For example
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, a divorce can be very impactful for a
child
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, challenging his grades and behaviours in school, and sometimes, leading to dysregulated emotions and troubles with future relationships.
On the other hand
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, I believe what matters the most in
children
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 upraising is not the family they are from but the environment they live in. If you come from a good family
,
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apply
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 that raised you with healthy values, but you live in a terrible area, the
influence
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 of the outside world will be large.
For instance
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, at the age of
6
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6,
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every
child
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 must attend school. In class,
children
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 begin to experience their own
life
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, making friendships and meeting adults other than their parents. The
people
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 you are surrounded by, the dreams you'll have and the level of education you can receive highly depend on the environment.
Moreover
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, external
people
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's
influence
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 can't be ignored.
Children
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 make connections outside their house. Whether
is
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it is
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 a professor or a friend,
other's
Correct word order
other people's opinions
show examples
people
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 opinion will matter and will
influence
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 their
life
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 decisions.
For example
Linking Words
, a professor who cares about a
child
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,
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apply
show examples
 can impact his future career decision, encouraging and advising
towards
Correct pronoun usage
them towards
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 a certain direction. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 I agree family has a big role
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 shaping
children
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's
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, the experiences, encounters and learning from the outside world will
influence
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 their
life
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 deeper.

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task response
Make your main reason more exact. You say outside life matters more because people spend more time there, but this is not always true for children. Focus on why school, friends, teachers, and the local area can shape daily choices and future plans more strongly.
task response
Give a fuller comparison in each main part. Explain not only how family affects children, but also why the outside effect is greater in the same area, such as values, study, or work plans.
task response
Some examples need more detail. For the school example, show how friends or a teacher change a child’s actions, goals, or way of thinking. This will make the point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The second body paragraph has school, friends, adults, dreams, and education. It would be clearer to focus on school and friends there, then use the next paragraph only for teachers or other adults.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “Certainly” starts the first body paragraph well, but “Moreover” is used many times. Try simple links that show the exact relation, such as “This is because”, “As a result”, or “In contrast”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence match your view more directly. Say that outside influences can have a greater effect than family influences, rather than only saying they influence life more deeply.
task response
Your view is clear from the start: you agree that life outside the home has a greater effect. You keep this view through the whole essay.
task response
You use clear examples, such as school, friends, a teacher, and a family break-up. These help show what you mean.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, a paragraph about family, two paragraphs about life outside the home, and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Moreover”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • socialization
  • nurturing
  • foundational behavior
  • emotional development
  • peer influence
  • media exposure
  • intellectual development
  • cultural norms
  • societal pressures
  • family environment
  • academic expectations
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