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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many sports players advertise sport-related products. What extent the disadvantage outweigh the advantage?

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Introduction
It has become increasingly common for
athletes
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 to promote sporting goods.
While
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 it has some upsides for
sports
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players
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,
such
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 as increasing their
income
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, I believe that the downsides,
such
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 as health risks associated with certain sporting
products
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, can be greater than the advantages.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, promoting
sports
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 materials has a considerable contribution to
sports
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players
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players'
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 budgets.
This
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 is
becuase
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because
 they can make a substantial
income
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 through the advertisement of
products
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 because they often retire at early ages, leading
athletes
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 to improve their financial situations until their retirement.
For instance
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, after David Beckham ended his career
at
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in
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 his 30s, they
start
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started
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 to promote his
sports
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products
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, allowing him to make extra
income
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.
Thus
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, there are undeniable benefits for
athletes
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 to advertise sport-related
products
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 in order to make revenue even though they cannot perform as an athlete.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
sports
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-related
products
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,
such
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 as genetically modified food and supplements, often trigger health problems for
people
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 who are in certain
risk
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 groups,
while
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 promoting them is beneficial for sportspeople. As
people
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 who carry a heart attack
risk
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 try to use their idol's supplements, these
products
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 may trigger their
risk
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 of heart attack, and they may face irreversible complications.
For instance
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, runners often promote energy-giver
products
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, which can gradually trigger heart attack
risk
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 for senior citizens.
Hence
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, the advertisement of
products
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 potential drawbacks, as
sports
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players
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 have a great influence on
people
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's
preference
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preferences
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
 is
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for
sports
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players
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, I firmly maintain that it may have detrimental effects on a certain group of
people
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.
While
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 promoting
sports
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products
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 can provide an extra
income
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 for
athletes
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, it may put a particular group of
people
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 at
risk
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 if
products
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 contain unhealthy substances.

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task response
Explain more clearly why the bad side is greater than the good side. At present, the money point is clear, but the health point is not fully proved. Show why this harm affects many people or why it is more serious than extra pay for players.
task response
Be careful with your examples. The David Beckham example is not clear and uses “they” for one man. Also, do not state that products cause heart attacks unless you explain this in a careful, general way. You could say that some ads may lead people to use products that are not right for their age or health.
task response
Add one more main bad point, such as players may promote a product only for money, even when they do not use it or know much about it. This would make your answer more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Make the main idea of each body part more direct. For example: “The main advantage is that athletes can earn money after they stop playing.” Then explain it and give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, but avoid repeating the same point about income and retirement. Put the cause and result in a simple order: players retire early, they may lose pay, ads give them extra money.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the person or group the same in each sentence. In the Beckham example, write “he started to promote products” rather than “they start to promote his products.”
task response
You give a clear opinion that the bad sides are greater than the good sides, and you keep this view to the end.
task response
You discuss both sides: more money for players and possible health harm for people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part form: opening, one side, other side, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “Hence” help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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