IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries senior positions have higher salaries compared to those of young workers of the same company. Some people think this is not justified. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Many people have an opinion that high salaries are frequently paid to the workers with higher
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 in the hierarchy, rather than to regular
employees
Use synonyms
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 they are working in the same
company
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will provide my view on
this
Linking Words
 social inequality problem
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 appears in many emerging economies.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, senior
employees
Use synonyms
 are
brains
Correct article usage
the brains
show examples
 of any organisation
contributing
Punctuation problem
, contributing
show examples
 to every possible activity
which
Correct determiner usage
that the
show examples
company
Use synonyms
 does, and creating
overall
Linking Words
 targets for the
company
Use synonyms
. Their activity is not only
intelectual
Correct your spelling
intellectual
, but they have a huge burden of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility which they handle
everyday
Rephrase
every day
show examples
 by keeping the
company
Use synonyms
 controlled.
For instance
Linking Words
, Mark Zuckerberg
-
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 founder and CEO of Meta copmany is one of the
US
Check wording
US's
show examples
 biggest employers, which makes him responsible not only for himself, but
also
Linking Words
 for thousands of families worldwide
whos'
Correct your spelling
whose
 lives directly depend on the corporation's results.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 many
blue-colour
Use the right word
blue-collar
show examples
 workers and
low level
Correct your spelling
low-level
employees
Use synonyms
 deserve higher wages
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 than they receive now. But it is not the only concern, it is accompanied with usually destroyed work-life balance, unacceptable working conditions and overemployment, which causes health and
menthal
Correct your spelling
mental
 problems.
For example
Linking Words
, construction workers for the building
company
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the core of
it's
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 activity, they must be valued and paid with respect for
provided
Correct article usage
the provided
show examples
 job.
Conclusion
In conclusion, firms must not reduce the salary of
CEO
Correct article usage
the CEO
show examples
 in order to shrink the difference between
employees
Use synonyms
,
rather
Correct word choice
but rather
show examples
 try to maintain regular increases in payments for all
employees
Use synonyms
, provision of fringe benefits and constant motivation for basic
employees
Use synonyms
 with the aim to satisfy their needs.

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task response
State your answer more directly in the first part. Say if you agree, disagree, or agree only in part. Your view now is clear near the end, but it should be clear from the start.
task response
Explain more why the pay gap is fair or not fair. For example, compare the higher risk and skill of senior staff with the hard work and low pay of basic staff.
task response
Make the examples more exact. The Mark Zuckerberg example is very large and may not show pay in one normal company. A simple example of a manager and factory worker may fit the question better.
task response
Your last part gives a good answer, but add how firms can pay basic staff more, such as by raising base pay, paying extra for long hours, or giving safe work places.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one main point. The second body part moves from pay to work-life balance, work conditions, and health. Link these ideas more clearly to show why they support higher pay.
coherence and cohesion
Use a stronger topic sentence at the start of each body part. This will help the reader see the main point before the details.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long. Break them into two or three shorter sentences so the meaning is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the other hand” is useful for an opposite view, but make the contrast clear: senior pay may be fair, while very low pay for basic staff is not.
task response
You give a clear view: senior staff can earn more because they have more duty, but lower-paid staff should get better pay and work conditions.
task response
Your examples about a company leader and construction workers are linked to your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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