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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many professional sports, there is an increase in the number of athletes using banned substances to improve their performance. What are the causes of the phenomenon and what are some of the possible solutions?

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Introduction
It is argued that more and more professional
athletes
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 use
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performance enhancing
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performance-enhancing
 substances to improve their
performance
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. Being a phenomenon spread in many
differet
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different
sports
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, I believe the roots of the problem can be found in the fact that
today
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's
athletes
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 are under a lot of pressure from social media exposure.
Moreover
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, the number of competitions and
turnaments
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tournaments
 is always increasing. I believe a possible solution would be providing psychological
support
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 to the
athletes
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 and
raise
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raising
show examples
 awareness on the damage of doping.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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,
due to
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 social media,
athletes
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today
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 are highly exposed to
the
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apply
show examples
public opinion.
While
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 in the past people were only able to watch a match on television or in the stadium,
today
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 every game is recorded and uploaded online,
for
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instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
show examples
 on social media platforms and websites like YouTube.
Consequently
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, every
performance
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 will be
remebered
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remembered
 and rewatched many times, putting the
athletes
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 under a lot of pressure.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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,
today
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's
athletes
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 need to perform at a higher level than before. In many
sports
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, the
amount
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number
show examples
 of games or matches they need to play per week has
raised
Verb problem
increased
show examples
.
For example
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, soccer games in the past
did
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apply
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only took place
in the
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at
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 weekends,
while
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today
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 there is a match almost every day,
due to
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 the increase
of
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in
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 international tournaments.
Body paragraph 3
A possible solution to the increased use of banned substances could be providing
athletes
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 with
psycological
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psychological
support
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. The
support
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 of a professional could help
athletes
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 better
handling
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handle
show examples
 the stress,
inancing
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improving
 their
perfomance
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performance
 without the use of doping.
For instance
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,
sports
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 associations could provide a psychologist to every athlete at a professional level during the high season, to better handle interviews and games.
Body paragraph 4
Also
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, I believe raising
awarness
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awareness
 about the risks of doping is as important as having
a
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apply
show examples
psychological
support
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.
This
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 should
also
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 be addressed by the
sports
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 associations.
For example
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, they could organise seminars on the
damages
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damage
show examples
 that
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performance enhancing
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performance-enhancing
 substances have on people's bodies in the long run.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe the increased number of
athletes
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 using doping is a consequence of the
always raising
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always-rising
 pressure they are under. Psychological
support
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 and education are, in my opinion, the best way to contain the problem.

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task response
Explain more clearly why each cause makes athletes use banned drugs. For example, say that fear of poor results, loss of money, or loss of a place on a team may lead some people to take drugs.
task response
Make the solutions more direct. Psychological help and talks may help, but add strong checks, more tests, and clear punishments. Explain how these steps can stop drug use.
task response
Develop each example a little more. In the football example, explain how many games can cause tiredness and how tired athletes may look for a quick way to play better.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas can be smoother. The first paragraph could say clearly that there are two main causes and two solutions before you explain them.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “I believe” many times. State your point in a more direct way, such as “A useful solution is...” or “Another cause is...”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “banned substances” or “doping” in a clear way, and do not change the term too often.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give two causes and two ways to help solve the problem.
task response
Your examples about online videos, more games, support from a psychologist, and health talks are linked to your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body parts, and an ending. Each body part has one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly”, “Furthermore”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs)
  • Doping
  • Anti-doping regulations
  • Detection methods
  • Ban substances
  • Ethical issues
  • Health risks
  • Fair play
  • Sportsmanship
  • Stakes
  • Pressure to succeed
  • Enforcement
  • Awareness programs
  • Testing frequency
  • Entourage
  • Science advancement
  • Financial gains
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