IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The growing number of obese people is putting on tstrainhe healthcare system.Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent you are agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The increasing percentage of some individuals
strect
Correct your spelling
speak out
 about
Use synonyms
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
other
Replace the word
others
 believe that
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
early
age of
Check wording
apply
show examples
education about
healthcare
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 could have
slove
Correct your spelling
solved
 the problem. I agree with the statement
,
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 any
young age study lessons
Correct word order
study lessons at a young age
show examples
 will help the kid in future.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, most of the people thinks health care system is
fraud
Correct article usage
a fraud
show examples
 and not available all the time. Most of the private hospitals try to bill more by increasing tests.
For example
Linking Words
,
If
Fix capitalization
if
show examples
 a kid
fall
Correct subject-verb agreement
falls
show examples
 from
bicycle
Correct article usage
a bicycle
show examples
, some minor injuries on
hand
Correct article usage
the hand
show examples
 and
took
Wrong verb form
is taken
show examples
 to
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 famous private
hosiptal
Correct your spelling
hospital
. Tests
starts
Correct subject-verb agreement
start
show examples
, from head to foot
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 all kind scans and blood test and they literally
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 try to rob the family.
Secondally
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, all the hospitals
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
show examples
 on
appionement based
Correct your spelling
appointment-based
, so it's not easy to get
one
Use synonyms
 when
every
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
they want. Let's take
dentist
Correct article usage
a dentist
show examples
, most of the dental clinics will have atleast 3week waiting period
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it's based on
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
their
Verb problem
there are
show examples
 lots of benefits, by providing
healthcare
Use synonyms
 curriculum to kids in schools. The major
adavantage
Correct your spelling
advantage
 is onces young people start living on their own, it's easy to choose
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 system
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they already
known
Wrong verb form
know
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 how it works.
In
Change preposition
Additionally
show examples
additionally
Linking Words
, by providing most of the
healthcare
Use synonyms
 data(lack of doctors and hospital members)
to
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 kids have
slight
Correct article usage
a slight
show examples
 chance to
because
Verb problem
become
show examples
 a doctor or
one
Use synonyms
 of the
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 in the
healthcare
Use synonyms
.
Futhurmore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, by give fact that lack
required
Change preposition
of required
show examples
 doctors in countries, maybe some kids
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want to
show examples
 become
one
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, as
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 said before
all
Punctuation problem
, all
show examples
 information about
healthcare
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 provides more benefits to all the people. So
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 agree with the statement, it's always better to
handover
Correct your spelling
hand over
 the information about doctors, before students
schoose
Correct your spelling
choose
 what they want in their future.

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task response
Stay on the main question. The question is about obesity and physical education at school. Much of your essay is about hospitals, bills, tests, and dentist waits, so it does not answer the question well.
task response
Explain why more physical education may help stop obesity. You could write about more exercise, healthy weight, good food habits, team sports, and active daily life.
task response
Give one clear reason in each main part. For example, one part can explain how exercise helps children stay healthy. The next can explain why school is a good place for this.
task response
If you agree, say how far you agree. You can also say that physical education is helpful, but food lessons and help from parents are also needed.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph about one main idea. Your first main part should discuss obesity and school exercise, not problems with private hospitals.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction with your view; first main idea with an example; second main idea with an example; conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. For example: “More physical education can help because children exercise often. As a result, they may keep a healthy weight.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that do not connect to the next sentence. Check that every sentence helps answer the question about obesity and physical education.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree that school lessons can help young people in the future.
task response
You use examples, such as the child who falls from a bicycle and the dentist wait time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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