IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people move to other countries when they retire. Others think that it is better to retire in their home country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples.

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Introduction
Financial stability plays a huge role in societies
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 Adults around the world would travel and move cities for better job opportunities.
Body paragraph 1
That reason by itself will indicate
weather
Use the right word
whether
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 an individual is capable of change or not.
Body paragraph 2
Others think that where they are settled and started their career life is where they will continue after they retire, we need
keep
Verb problem
to keep
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 in
my
Correct pronoun usage
mind
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 that "Humans are creatures of habit".
Body paragraph 3
This
Linking Words
essa
Correct your spelling
essay
 will discuss both views, before I include my own opinion.
Body paragraph 4
On one hand, some people move from
further
Linking Words
 cities just to secure them selves and their families future,
for example
Linking Words
: adults in the U.S.A travel from small countries to big Cities like New York and Los Angeles for better incom in big companies that are only based there,
therefore
Linking Words
 you will find those individuals usually getting married and settling in, around their better source of income, that results in being more familiar with the new inviromant, coping to the machanism to survive, and after they are done in rasing kids and help moving the wheel of society, they usually prefer leaving to familiar quite place they have always craved befor hustling, as they already secured their life's and now it on their new generation to spread their wings and fly.
Body paragraph 5
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 some adults prefer staying where they are
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the reason why is
because
Correct word choice
apply
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that's usually where they grew up their intire life's, others
also
Linking Words
 don't prefer change
some
Punctuation problem
; some
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 of them start their own businesses and prefer to be around.
Conclusion
In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I prefer staying where I am familiar with,
weather
Use the right word
whether
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 I
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
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 or not,I'm a very
family oriented
Correct your spelling
family-oriented
 person and would stick around my family until the end.

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task response
Stay closer to the main question: where people live after they stop work. Much of your first main part is about moving for jobs, marriage, and raising children. Explain more clearly why a person would choose another country after retirement, such as lower living costs, warm weather, or a better way of life.
task response
Develop both sides in a more equal way. The first side needs clear reasons for retiring abroad. The second side needs more than family and habit; add points such as friends, health care, language, and feeling at home.
task response
Make your own opinion stronger. Say clearly why staying in your home country is better for you, then give two reasons and a short example.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. Start with a clear first sentence, explain the idea, give an example, and end the paragraph. This will make long sentences easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some links do not show the right meaning. For example, “therefore” is used in a very long sentence with many ideas. Use short links such as “because”, “so”, “for example”, and “however” only when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Write shorter sentences. Several sentences join many ideas together, so the meaning becomes unclear. Check each sentence for one clear point before moving to the next.
task response
You discuss both choices and give your own view. You also use an example about people moving for work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a final opinion. Phrases such as “On one hand” and “On the other hand” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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