IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they released from prison. What do you think are the causes of this? What possible solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
Many criminals commit
further
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 crimes as soon as they are released from prison. What do you think are the causes of
this
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? What effects will
this
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 have on society?
Body paragraph 1
It is undeniable that
from
Punctuation problem
, from
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 the declaration of the justice systems, numerous criminals do not stop their deviant
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 even after completing their legal punishment. Causes may vary
due to
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 personality differences,
coupled with
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 social stigma.
This
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 essay will explore the possible reasons and their influences on the
civilization
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civilisation
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.
Body paragraph 2
The main reason for recidivism is that imprisonment does not always address the underlying factors for committing a crime. Some prisons lack appropriate psychological diagnosis and rehabilitation programmes, specifically when it is about unusual states of personality.
Thus
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, since humankind began to evolve, it brought
considerable
Correct article usage
a considerable
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 number of alterations in the human genome, namely harmful mutations which created countless genetic predispositions
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 antisocial personality disorder that leads to criminal
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. Those genetic anomalies carry even the tiniest hereditary components inherited from our ancestors and are carved into our DNA through genetic codes, which
is
Verb problem
can
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 only
possible to reshape
Wrong verb form
be reshaped
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 in enhanced environmental conditions. If psychological assessment is inadequate, it becomes impossible to define a proper treatment plan for offenders,
Linking Words
therefore
Rephrase
apply
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resulting in exaggerated unacceptable actions.
Moreover
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, it is highly probable that prison staff’s aggressive interaction with prisoners can lead them to imitate these attitudes and hurt people around them.
Body paragraph 3
Repeated offending can have serious consequences for both individuals and society. Sticking to detrimental habits creates a cycle of criminality, in which those people continue spreading threats to public safety. A
further
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 effect of recidivism is social stigma;
for instance
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, they are not expected to improve their dysfunctional tendencies.
Consequently
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, former criminals believe that they cannot eradicate their maladaptive nature.
Conclusion
In conclusion, habitual offending is largely driven by insufficient reintegration,
coupled with
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 society’s projections for them.
For
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this
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 reason, it is indispensable for governments to invest in the right support systems
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as rehabilitation programmes and community
initiatives
Punctuation problem
initiatives,
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 to curb
this
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 problem.

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task response
Focus more closely on the question. The question asks for causes and effects, but the last paragraph gives solutions. Keep the ending on causes and effects, or add a full body paragraph on solutions only if the question asks for them.
task response
Develop the causes with clear, real-world points. For example, say that some people leave prison with no job, no home, or no support, so they may return to crime. This is easier to understand than a long point about genes and DNA.
task response
The part about genetic change is too long and is not well linked to most crime. It also makes your main point less clear. Use space to explain prison help, job training, drug help, family support, and public views.
task response
Give a more direct effect on society. You mention public safety, which is good. You could also explain that repeat crime can make people feel afraid, cost more public money, and harm families and local areas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow a simple order: main idea, explanation, example or result. Some sentences in the first body paragraph move too quickly from prison care to human history and genes.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words for the same group of people. Choose “former prisoners”, “ex-offenders”, or “people leaving prison” and use it often, rather than “those people”, “they”, and “former criminals” without clear links.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not natural. For example, “Thus, since humankind began to evolve” does not clearly follow the sentence before it. Use simple links such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “This means that” when the link is direct.
coherence and cohesion
Keep sentences shorter when an idea is important. Long sentences with many extra words can hide your meaning. Clear, direct sentences will make your argument easier to follow.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: you give causes and explain effects on society. Your main view is clear.
task response
The essay gives relevant causes, such as poor help in prison and the way ex-prisoners are seen by others.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, body parts, and ending. Each main paragraph has one main focus.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Thus”, “Moreover”, “Consequently”, and “In conclusion” to show links between ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Rehabilitation
  • Reintegrate
  • Social stigma
  • Recidivism
  • Criminal records
  • Ex-offender
  • Associations
  • Comprehensive
  • Workforce
  • Mentoring
  • Incentivize
  • Stigmatize
  • Subsidies
  • Legitimate
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