IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is an undeniable fact that
western
Capitalize the proper name
Western
show examples
 countries
constitute
Verb problem
have seen
show examples
 more than 20% of overweight children over the
last
Linking Words
 10 years.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the main reasons for
this
Linking Words
 trend and examine the possible effects of the problem.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the crucial causes of being overweight are a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits. A significant number of adolescents tend to have a passive lifestyle, which is largely limited to playing video games in front of a laptop or
smartphones
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphone
show examples
. They spend most of their time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
engaging in games,
instead
Linking Words
 of doing other activities, including
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 and jogging.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, it can result in gaining weight.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the majority of teenagers possess poor dietary habits,
such
Linking Words
 as eating oily and fast food, consuming large portions of high-calorie meal or
constant snacks
Replace the word
constantly snacking
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they may suffer from obesity
by means of
Change preposition
due to
show examples
 inappropriate eating habits.
Body paragraph 2
A major effect of
this
Linking Words
 problem includes various health issues,
say
Change preposition
such as
show examples
 diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease.
For instance
Linking Words
, by being obese, a person’s body-fat percentage increases, the metabolism worsens and may cause a vast number of health problems.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it may have a severe effect on children’s psychological state, given that they may face bullying at school, be
in depression
Replace the word
depressed
 and feel embarrassed, in the community, which leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of self-confidence.
Thus
Linking Words
, the more they cannot lose weight, the more children are socially isolated and emotionally distressed.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, obesity is a big problem that affects a plethora of people, and is associated with an inactive lifestyle, eating disorders and some health obstacles nowadays.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer every part of the question. You discuss causes and effects, but you do not offer a solution. Add a full paragraph about what parents, schools, and the state can do. For example, schools can give more sport time and stop the sale of junk food.
task response
Make the opening more exact. The question says the share of overweight children has gone up by almost 20%, not that western countries have more than 20% overweight children. State the change in the right way.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. Instead of only saying children play games, explain how many hours at a screen can take the place of outdoor play. For food, name things like soft drinks, chips, and fast-food meals.
task response
Keep the focus on children. Some lines say “a person” or “teenagers”. Use “children” more often, as this is the group in the question.
coherence and cohesion
Write a clear plan in the opening. Say that the essay will look at causes, effects, and a solution. Then make sure the body has a paragraph for each of these parts.
coherence and cohesion
Add a solution paragraph before the ending. Start with a clear topic sentence, such as: “One way to deal with this problem is for schools and parents to help children eat well and move more.” Then give two linked actions and explain why they will help.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not natural or repeat the same idea. For example, “As a result of this, it can result in gaining weight” repeats “result”. Write: “As a result, they may gain weight.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match the full question. It should sum up the main causes and effects, and also restate the solution. Do not add “eating disorders” unless you have discussed this idea in the body.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point with a simple chain: cause, result, example. This will make your ideas feel more complete. For example: screen time means less active play; less active play uses less energy; over time, this can lead to weight gain.
task response
You give clear main causes: little exercise and poor food. You also explain health and mental effects. These points fit the question well.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, causes, effects, and ending. Each body paragraph has one main focus, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, “Moreover”, “For instance”, and “To conclude”. These help show the flow of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 2. Screen time
  • 3. Physical activity
  • 4. Fast food consumption
  • 5. Processed foods
  • 6. Nutritional requirements
  • 7. Self-esteem
  • 8. Social isolation
  • 9. Mental health issues
  • 10. Hypertension
  • 11. Respiratory issues
  • 12. Community programs
  • 13. Educational initiatives
  • 14. Government policies
  • 15. Advertisements targeting children
  • 16. Healthy eating habits
  • 17. Subsidies for healthy foods
  • 18. Overweight prevalence
  • 19. Convenience of processed foods
  • 20. Long-term effects
What to do next:
Look at other essays: