IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people get into debt by buying things they do not need and can’t afford. What are the reasons for this behavior? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?”

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Introduction
Nowadays, more people start buying items from stores that are not useful, because they put discounts on goods to attract customers. For many people, the most common reason for buying these products is rooted in arrogance. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will outline some of these problems and suggest measures which can be taken to solve these issues.
Body paragraph 1
One major
problem
Use synonyms
 is discounts, which they put
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on goods that are expensive, and
then
Linking Words
 they attract the customer to buy it, because it is the easiest way to gain customers.
This
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 could be solved by rational thinking about money. There are many courses about saving money and how they can use it for useful things. A second
problem
Use synonyms
 is arrogance
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 people love seeing someone who praises them, and in the end,
this
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 is human nature. One option is to reduce
this
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 type of behaviour by buying regular products, which keep them within their financial means.
Body paragraph 2
A
further
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 is
Social
Correct word choice
that social
show examples
 media platforms constantly showcase luxurious lifestyles, which creates strong peer pressure. To keep up with these trends, individuals frequently take out personal loans or max out their credit cards to buy high-end clothes and gadgets they cannot truly afford. The obvious solution is to subscribe to packages that allow them to avoid ads.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are many ways to attract someone,
such
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 as discounts, arrogance, and social media, these difficulties can be reduced. By using rational thinking, accepting being in an ordinary class, and subscribing to packages, governments can offer courses on how to save money.

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task response
Make the reasons more clear and direct. Sales do not cause debt by themselves; people may buy because they think they are saving money, even when they do not need the item. Explain this link in more detail.
task response
Use stronger and more real examples. For example, a person may see a phone on sale, use a credit card, and then be unable to pay the bill at the end of the month.
task response
Some ideas do not fully fit the question. “Arrogance” is not explained well. You could say that some people want to look rich or want others to think well of them. This is easier to understand and support.
task response
Give actions that can really prevent debt. Add ideas such as teaching money skills at school, clear limits on credit, and advice from banks before people take loans.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main paragraph focused on one reason and its matching action. The first paragraph moves from sales to money courses, then the next moves to arrogance. Make the cause and the answer connect more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the word “problem” when you mean a reason. Use “reason”, “cause”, or “issue” where needed. This will make the meaning more exact.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. For example, instead of “discounts, which they put it on goods”, write “Stores put discounts on costly goods to bring in more buyers.”
coherence and cohesion
Improve the ending by restating the two main causes and the best actions. The final sentence brings in governments and courses late, so it feels new rather than a clear summary.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give reasons for debt, such as sales, wanting praise, and social media. You also give ways to help, such as money courses and blocking ads.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body paragraphs, and an ending. Words such as “One major problem”, “A second problem”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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