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Writing Samples
Band 7

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last years. Discuss the causes and effect of this issue disturbing trend.

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Introduction
The number of obese young people in Western communities has exceeded 20% over the
last
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 decade.
This
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 essay will discuss the main causes of
this
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 phenomenon and propose several measures to address the issue.
Body paragraph 1
In
this
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 modern world, many adolescents have become overly reliant on technological devices, which they use for educational purposes, entertainment, and communicating with their friends.
As a result
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, they spend less time engaging in physical activities, which is one of the main reasons for the increasing rate of
obesity
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 among
children
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.
In addition
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, a lack of awareness about healthy eating and regular exercise can exacerbate
this
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 problem.
For example
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, spending excessive amounts of time watching television or using electronic devices can discourage
children
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 from participating in physical activities. There are
also
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 several other contributing factors,
such
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 as the widespread consumption of fast food and soft drinks and the adoption of an unhealthy lifestyle, all of which can contribute to the growing prevalence of childhood
obesity
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are several effective measures that can be implemented to tackle
this
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 problem.
First,
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health awareness should be increased among the general population,
while
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 families should encourage
children
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 to participate in physical activities from an early age. Schools and communities could
also
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 organise educational programmes and campaigns to promote healthy lifestyles.
In addition
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, fitness clubs could provide free or subsidised memberships for
children
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 under the age of 18. Fruit and vegetables should
also
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 be made freely available in schools,
while
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 swimming could be introduced as a regular subject at the secondary-school level. In my view, these measures could significantly reduce
obesity
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 among young people and help governments address
this
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 growing public-health concern.
Conclusion
In conclusion, families play a major role in preventing childhood
obesity
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 by closely monitoring
children
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's lifestyles and encouraging healthy habits.
For instance
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, allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to use technology under parental supervision and limiting their screen time can help them maintain a more active lifestyle and reduce the risk of becoming overweight.

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task response
Answer the exact task more closely. The task asks for causes and effects, but the second body part gives ways to fix the problem. Replace this part with clear effects, such as poor health, low self-esteem, and more health costs in later life.
task response
Make each main cause more fully clear. Explain why screen time leads to less movement, and why fast food and soft drinks can lead to weight gain.
task response
Use more real and specific examples. For example, say that a child who plays games for many hours may not walk, play sport, or sleep well.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body parts, and ending. However, make the plan match the task: causes in one body part and effects in the next body part.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the other hand” is not the best link here because the next part does not give an opposite view. Use “As a result” or “Another effect is” when you write about effects.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same point more than once. Screen time, technology, and less physical activity are repeated. Group these ideas together, then add a new cause or effect.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the ending focused on the full answer. It should sum up both the main causes and the main effects, rather than add new ideas about parents and screen time.
task response
You give clear and relevant causes, including too much screen time, little exercise, fast food, and soft drinks.
task response
Your ideas are easy to understand, and you show that childhood obesity is a serious health problem.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well organised into clear parts, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful links such as “As a result”, “In addition”, and “For example” to connect ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health concern
  • sedentary behavior
  • high-calorie, low-nutrient
  • processed foods
  • physical activity
  • genetic predispositions
  • type 2 diabetes
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • psychological issues
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • social and economic effects
  • healthcare systems
  • life expectancy
  • academic performance
  • future productivity
  • public health campaigns
  • food industry practices
  • nutrition
  • lifestyle choices
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