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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that children should spend more time doing outdoor activities, while others think they should spend more time using technology indoors. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Cutting edge
Correct your spelling
Cutting-edge
 technology has been one of the most important innovations in moder era.
Although
Linking Words
 some argue that it might be beneficial for enhancing education, many believe that its disadvantages outweigh
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 positives. In my opinion, youngsters should not always be exposed to screens.
Body paragraph 1
One significant drawback of electronic devices is that they can be time-consuming. To elaborate, since children may lack awareness towards technology, they might misdirect their energies and skills to develop their learning styles.
For example
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, they may receive some notifications which can either distract them from their studies or create stressful situations
including
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, including
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utilizing
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utilising
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 detrimental sources and being exposed to cyber extortion.
Consequently
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, young
people
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 would struggle to concentrate on their education, which might affect their grades negatively.
Body paragraph 2
Another reason for limiting screen
times
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time
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 is undermining social skills.
during
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During
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 childhood,
people
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 are still immature
which
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, which
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 requires them to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in outdoor activities to shape their personalities
including
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, including
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sport
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sports
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, art and cultural events.
However
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, screens might significantly contribute to anti-social behaviour that influences their ability to engage in social tasks confidently.
Moreover
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, communication,
problem solving
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problem-solving
 and teamwork skills are demanded as an essential part of
employment’s
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employment
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 qualifications.
Therefore
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, reducing screen time would be helpful to encourage younger
people
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 to be active members of society.
Conclusion
In conclusion, digital tools must be regulated to avoid the harmful damage
,
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apply
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 resulting from them. Providing constant mentoring at homes and educational institutions might help guide those immature
people
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 to use technology effectively.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a clear way. Your essay mainly explains why screen use can be bad, but it does not explain why some people think indoor technology can help children.
task response
Add a full paragraph about the good side of technology. For example, children can use it to learn new things, watch school videos, and talk with teachers or family far away.
task response
State your own view clearly in the first paragraph and support it in the body. You can say that outdoor time should be more important, but technology can still be useful when adults set rules.
task response
Use examples that directly answer the question. Give one real and clear example for outdoor play and one for technology use.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body paragraphs, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make one body paragraph for each view before giving your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. Start each paragraph with a simple main idea, then explain it, give an example, and say why it matters.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words carefully, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, “However”, and “Therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the focus on the exact topic. Your first paragraph talks about technology in education, while the question asks about children spending time indoors with technology versus outdoors.
task response
You give a clear view that children should not spend all their time in front of screens.
task response
Your points about poor focus and weak social skills are related to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are mostly easy to follow, with one main point in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as “For example”, “However”, “Moreover”, and “Therefore”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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