IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More people are now behaving more violently in society than before. Can this behaviour be prevented? Discuss the causes and reasons for this trend. Provide examples to support your opinion.

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Introduction
Now a days, the percentage of individuals doing violent thing increased, when compared before and by educating
people
Use synonyms
 and government developing new
law
Use synonyms
 and
order
Use synonyms
 can prevent the violent behavior. I agree with the statement, crimes
are
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 increased
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 two decades.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
law
Use synonyms
 and
order
Use synonyms
 have some gaps in
punishements
Correct your spelling
punishments
 and more
people
Use synonyms
taking
Verb problem
are taking
show examples
 advantages by that. Fighting in public
always
Verb problem
has always
show examples
 been
minor
Correct article usage
a minor
show examples
 offence in most of the countries.
For example
Linking Words
, bar fights are common
now days
Correct your spelling
nowadays
 and
weekly twice or thrice
Correct word order
twice or thrice a week,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
witnessed
Wrong verb form
witness
show examples
 a fight and more
injury
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injuries
show examples
 are recorded.
government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should bring new rules about fighting in pubs
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 new
Use synonyms
law
Check wording
laws
show examples
 and
order
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 have to punish
drink and fight
Correct word order
people who drink and fight
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 till hard. So
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 fighter will think about it before starting. By combining local
adurities
Correct your spelling
authorities
 and ruling political party member can
bring sloution
Wrong verb form
be brought
show examples
 about
violent
Change preposition
for violent
show examples
 behaviour.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, education has a good impact on
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 all the time.
lack
Capitalize the word
Lack
show examples
 of education is
also
Linking Words
 one of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
. Early age schools will
provides
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 all the information about
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 how to respect each other at all
the time
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times
show examples
. Parents and teacher plays better role
to teach
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
 kids
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 how to treat older
people
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 fighting is bad.
For example
Linking Words
,
teacher
Check wording
teachers
show examples
 and parents will punish kids when they see fighting each other and
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
show examples
 fighting is bad. I think
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take more responsbilities on bring
avarinies
Correct your spelling
awareness
 to the public
can
Wrong verb form
to
show examples
 reduce violent behaviour.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
law
Use synonyms
 and
order
Use synonyms
 will always
plays
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a
cruical
Correct your spelling
crucial
 role on public's behaviour
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 education will
also
Linking Words
 showes better impact. By bring avirness to
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 about new
punishement
Correct your spelling
punishment
 might
works
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
.

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Task response
Answer every part of the question more fully. You give two causes: weak law and poor education. You also say how to stop violence, but add more clear steps, such as fast police action, help for young people, and lessons at school.
Task response
Make your main view clear in the first part. The line about agreeing with the statement is not needed. Say that violence can be reduced, but it needs both strong law and good education.
Task response
Develop each main idea with a clear cause, result, and example. For example, weak action after bar fights may make some people think there is little risk. Strong fines and a ban from the bar may stop this.
Task response
Use examples that are clear and real enough. The bar-fight example is useful, but explain who acts, what the new rule is, and how it can lower violence.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first and last parts more direct and clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one simple main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show the order of ideas: First, For example, As a result, Also, Finally. This will help the reader follow your points.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the last part sum up both ideas in a full way. State that better law, school work, and parent help can work together to reduce violence.
Task response
You answer the main question by saying that violence can be prevented through law and education.
Task response
You give two relevant causes: gaps in law and lack of education.
Task response
You use examples about bar fights, schools, parents, and teachers.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear four-part form: start, two body parts, and end.
Coherence and cohesion
The words “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” help show the two main ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • violent behavior
  • society
  • prevention
  • causes
  • trend
  • exposure to violence
  • media
  • positive role models
  • psychological issues
  • socioeconomic factors
  • proper education
  • values
  • peer pressure
  • neglectful parenting
  • substance abuse
  • social support
  • community cohesion
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