IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Some
people
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 believe that taking
part
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 in
team
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sports
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 is more helpful than taking
part
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 in individual
sports
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such
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 as swimming or tennis.
Body paragraph 1
Both views are correct, but I believe that taking
part
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 alone is better than training in a
team
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the one hand,
team
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sports
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 are beneficial because they improve communication skills.
For example
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, in a
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team
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team,
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 there are
teammates
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 with whom they can share their opinions about a match or personal things too.
Moreover
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,
people
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 who train in a
team
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 may be supported by
teammates
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, which means players will have
people
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 from whom they can get support.
For instance
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, if a player did something wrong, their
teammates
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 could support them.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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, taking
part
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 in individual
sports
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 is beneficial for some
people
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.
Firstly
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,
people
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 who train alone will not be interrupted by anyone because
people
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 who train alone will not have
teammates
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 who will distract them
while
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 they are doing tasks.
Secondly
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, they will reach results faster because they will not be responsible for a
team
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and
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, and
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 they will have their own goal which they need to achieve.
For example
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, in
team
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sports
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,
people
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 are responsible for everybody, and even one mistake can let down the whole
team
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.
Finally
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, they will have one hundred
percent
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per cent
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 ownership of their own purpose, which means if they make a
fault
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mistake
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, it will affect only themselves and will not let down the whole
team
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.
For instance
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, if they lose, it will be their own mistake and fault, and they cannot blame others.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that working or training alone is much more beneficial than in a
team
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 because
people
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 will have more
chance
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chances
show examples
 to achieve their aims.

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task response
Make your view more fully clear. You say both views are correct, but then say individual sports are better. Explain why the good points of individual sports are more important than the good points of team sports.
task response
Develop each main idea with a more real and clear example. For team sports, you could explain how players must talk, plan, and help each other during a game.
task response
Some points repeat the same idea. “Not being responsible for a team”, “not letting down the team”, and “not blaming others” are very close. Use one strong point, then add a different point.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the main ideas. The essay moves between “taking part”, “training”, and “working”. Use “playing team sports” and “doing individual sports” more often.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas more natural. For example, after saying that individual athletes are not distracted, explain how this can help them train better before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of body parts. For example: “Team sports can help people build strong social skills.” This will make the plan of the essay easier to follow.
task response
You discuss both team sports and individual sports, and you clearly give your own view.
task response
Your main ideas are on the topic, such as support from a team and having your own goal.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Firstly”, and “Finally”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cooperation
  • team spirit
  • sense of belonging
  • community
  • leadership
  • trust
  • collective responsibility
  • dependency
  • self-reliance
  • self-discipline
  • goal setting
  • tailored development
  • flexibility
  • social support
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