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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, the average weight of children is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What are the causes of these problems? What measures could be taken to solve them?

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Introduction
The median
weight
Use synonyms
 of young individuals is rising
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 their health conditions and fitness are dropping in a proportion of nations.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 these issues, and suggest potential solutions to resolve them.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
Linking Words
, unhealthy consuming habits
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
 the child's
weight
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as fast food and eating high sugary nutrients;
in other words
Linking Words
, they consume excessive calories without burning
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the addiction
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 social media platforms made
children
Use synonyms
 reluctant to participate in any sports activity or session; the primary reason being that short-reels provides greater dopamine than sports.
As a result
Linking Words
 of that, severe health conditions among kids are notably increasing. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be seen in the United States, where approximately one-third of the population
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 diagnosed with diabetes
;
Punctuation problem
,
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 because they are not aware
about
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of
show examples
 the consequences of chocolates containing high amounts of sugar.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, parents should force their
children
Use synonyms
 to have a healthy diet, containing useful fruits, vegetables, and natural sources of energy.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they must encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to do physical
excercises
Correct your spelling
exercises
 on a regular basis.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
's
weight
Use synonyms
 will significantly improve and become near the optimum
weight
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.
For instance
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, a national campaign in France called Eat Healthier Play More received widespread advocacy from guardians, and started implementing it towards their
children
Use synonyms
 to enhance their fitness and health.
Consequently
Linking Words
, overweight among minors decreased notably by 24 per cent,
according to
Linking Words
 recent statistics from Insead University.
Conclusion
In conclusion, fast foods and unhealthy practices heavily
disimproves
Correct subject-verb agreement
impair
show examples
 the child's
weight
Use synonyms
; possible solutions to
this
Linking Words
 trend are reducing consumption
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 fried food and engaging in athletic activities.

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task response
You answer both parts: you give causes and ways to help. To make your ideas stronger, explain each cause in more detail. For example, say how too much screen time takes time away from play, walking, and sport.
task response
Some claims are too broad. Parents should guide children, rather than force them. Also, do not say that children get diabetes only because of chocolate. Health problems often come from many things, such as diet, lack of activity, and family habits.
task response
Use examples that are clear and safe. The France campaign and its result sound very exact, but they need proof. A simple general example may work better if you cannot support a fact.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link from each cause to its result more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of body paragraphs. For example: “There are two main causes of this problem.” Then give one cause at a time, with an explanation and result.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, such as “In addition” and “Furthermore”. However, do not use a link word when the next idea does not fully follow. “Therefore” before the weight result is too strong; “As a result” or “This can help” is better.
coherence and cohesion
Make word choices more natural so the meaning is easier to follow. For example, use “eating habits” instead of “consuming habits”, “sugary foods” instead of “high sugary nutrients”, and “exercise” instead of “physical excercises”.
task response
You address the full question by discussing both the reasons for higher weight and lower fitness, and possible ways to improve the problem.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant: unhealthy food, too much time on social media, healthy meals, and regular exercise.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph has one main purpose: first causes, then solutions.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion returns to the main causes and solutions.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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