IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that companies should provide employees with exercise time during the day? What is your opinion on this?

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Introduction
It is believed that our employers should
be having
Wrong verb form
have
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 a mandatory time schedule
alloted
Correct your spelling
allotted
 to working out and doing some version of exercise. In
this
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 essay, I will opine on the virtue of exercising at work and the reasons why
this
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 should be encouraged.
Body paragraph 1
A common working man is going to spend
on
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, on
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 average, 8 hours per day at his workplace. That means that he will spend almost
a
Correct article usage
apply
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one-third of his life between the
age
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ages
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 of 18 and 65
at
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in
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 his respective occupation.
Body paragraph 2
Modern day
Correct your spelling
Modern-day
 life is fast. We are stressed out
where
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, where
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stress-hormone
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the stress hormone
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 called cortisol spikes multiple times a day in our brain
causing
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, causing
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 us to have anxiety, panic attacks and affecting our work. Allowing for even light exercise can have incredible effects! It is said that doing 20 minutes of cardio exercises like walking, climbing steps or jogging
,
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apply
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 can reduce the cortisol levels and increase
feel good
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feel-good
 hormones like endorphins and dopamine in our brain.
This
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 allows us to build ourselves up, literally and mentally, increasing the workplace’s
overall
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 morale.
Body paragraph 3
A high
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High
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 morale, in return, helps the efficiency and time management of the company tasks. What task took 2 hours filled with lethargy before
,
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apply
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 can be done in 30 minutes now.
This
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 improves the productivity of the company
as well as
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their
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its
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overall
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 profits.
Conclusion
What could end up costing a company a lot of lost profits and efficiency can be redeemed by allowing 20 minutes
mandatory
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of mandatory
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exercises
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exercise
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 for the employees through better mental health and more operational efficiency and effectiveness.

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task response
State your opinion more clearly in the first part. For example, say that companies should give staff exercise time, and that this time should be part of the work day.
task response
Explain both main ideas in more depth. You show that exercise can lower stress and raise work output, but add how this works for staff and for the company.
task response
Use more careful claims. The idea that a task can fall from two hours to thirty minutes is too strong without proof. Use a more realistic example, such as staff may focus better after a short walk.
task response
Add one clear real-life example. For instance, a company could give staff twenty minutes to walk, stretch, or use stairs before lunch.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are in a clear order: health first, then work results. Keep this plan, but make each body part begin with one clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part shorter and link it more directly to your main point. The facts about age and work hours do not fully help your argument unless you explain why they make exercise time important.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show cause and result, such as “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “This can help”. Avoid using too many short sentences in a row.
coherence and cohesion
Write a clearer final part. Restate your view and sum up the two reasons: better health and better work.
language
Check word forms and sentence structure. For example, write “employers should provide” rather than “our employers should be having”, and “time allotted for exercise” rather than “time schedule alloted to working out”.
task response
You give a clear positive view of exercise time at work and support it with two useful reasons: better mental health and better work output.
task response
The examples of walking, using stairs, and jogging are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body parts, and a final summary.
coherence and cohesion
The link from lower stress to better morale, and then to better work, is logical and easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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