IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Surveillance cameras in banks, offices, shops and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and public, but they are also took for their users to spy on people's private business. what problems do surveillance cameras create? what are the solutions?

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Introduction
It is no secret that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 well-structured camera systems have led to
reducing
Replace the word
a reduction in
 a wide range of unlawful incidents, by providing safety and security in workplaces and public places. From my perspective, yet the trend is
benificial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 towards
scruinity
Correct your spelling
scrutiny
 and providing evidence,
misused
Replace the word
misuse
 of
such
Linking Words
 data storage
pave
Correct subject-verb agreement
paves
show examples
 the way for adverse social issues
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 appropriate laws and regulations should be imposed to safeguard communal
rights
Use synonyms
 and well-being.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
, the positive
aspec
Correct your spelling
aspect
 of the trend sheds light on its destructive nature. More pathetically, video
footages
Check wording
footage
show examples
 and visual courtesies in workplaces can
be caused
Wrong verb form
cause a
show examples
 breach of privacy,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may
led
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to unrest
in the
Change preposition
among
show examples
 employees. More importantly, they may develop trust issues regarded on their employers, which can pave the
w ay
Correct your spelling
way
 for
quetting
Correct your spelling
quitting
 jobs.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 information can be used for
cyberbulling
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
 and blackmailing by causing irreversible damage to personal image.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 global crime rates, a considerable
rate
Check wording
number
show examples
 of public figures and celebrities have fallen prey to invasion of privacy as their videos and photos circulate without their permission.
As a result
Linking Words
, they greatly suffer from anxiety in public places, which lose their freedom and human
rights
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
It is worth noticing that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the hidden cameras provide communities with valuable information to
solove thefting
Correct your spelling
solve theft
, vandalism and other illegal incidents.
Hence
Linking Words
, governing bodies should ensure safety
mesures
Correct your spelling
measures
 and rules and regulations related to CCTV
footages
Check wording
footage
show examples
. More importantly,
camers
Use the right word
cameras
show examples
 should not be installed in private areas
such
Linking Words
 as restrooms.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, authorities should maintain a high degree of restrictions
to access
Correct word order
on access to
show examples
such
Linking Words
 data.
For example
Linking Words
, first world countries,
such
Linking Words
 as the USA, Canada and
Japan
Punctuation problem
Japan,
show examples
 maintain confidential methodologies and prosecution aspects in delivering CCTV
footages
Check wording
footage
show examples
 to
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 and personal usage in order to ensure
communal
Use the right word
civil
show examples
rights
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is evident that 'Change is inevitable'. In that
aspect
Add a comma
aspect,
show examples
 every communal figure
step
Correct subject-verb agreement
steps
show examples
 forward
ro
Correct your spelling
to
 recognise both pros and cons of surveillance
camers
Correct your spelling
cameras
, in order to safeguard their upward mobility.
Hence
Linking Words
, governing authorities should pay
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
attention to
encypting
Correct your spelling
encrypting
 and
secure
Wrong verb form
securing
show examples
 the data storages over unlawful access to
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals come forward to protect their
rights
Use synonyms
 against privacy invasions.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. State the main problems clearly: loss of privacy, stress at work, and misuse of video. Then give matching answers: clear laws, limits on who can see video, and safe storage.
task response
Some ideas are not clear or do not fit the question. For example, the first body starts by calling cameras positive, but it then talks about problems. Keep each paragraph focused on one main point.
task response
Explain each point with a simple cause and result. For example: if staff are watched all the time, they may feel stressed and may not trust their boss. This makes the problem easier to understand.
task response
Use examples that are clear and careful. The example about public figures is possible, but it is not strongly linked to cameras in banks, shops, offices, and streets. An example about a worker’s video being shared without need would fit better.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction, problems, solutions, and conclusion. Your essay has these parts, but some sentences move between good and bad sides too quickly.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main sentence. For example: “One major problem is that cameras can harm privacy.” Then give an explanation and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words correctly: “First,” “Also,” “As a result,” “However,” and “For this reason.” Avoid links that do not match the idea, such as calling a negative point a positive aspect.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion short and clear. Repeat the main problems and main answers, rather than adding new ideas about social progress or personal action.
task response
You discuss both problems and solutions, and you give useful ideas about privacy, data access, and rules for cameras.
task response
Your solution that cameras should not be put in private places, such as restrooms, is clear and directly related to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This gives it a basic clear shape.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use cause-and-result links, such as showing how shared videos can lead to fear and harm.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • privacy invasion
  • misuse
  • cybercriminals
  • over-reliance
  • psychological impact
  • data storage
  • data breaches
  • compliance
  • behavioral changes
  • regulations
  • signage
  • encrypting
  • secured storage
  • privacy rights
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