IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Surveillance cameras in banks, offices, shops and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and public, but they are also took for their users to spy on people's private business. what problems do surveillance cameras create? what are the solutions?

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Introduction
With the development of novel technology and tendencies, modern individuals are given a wide range of security options to ensure their safety and
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
. In that
aspect
Use synonyms
,
continueously
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continuously
 operating camera
systems
Use synonyms
 play an integral role in the present context, yet the trend reflects its own negative outcomes as well. From my perspective, civil rights and mutual understanding can be destroyed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 workable solutions and
apoppriate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 precautionary action should be taken to mitigate
such
Linking Words
 pressing issues.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
, the negative
aspect
Use synonyms
 of the trend sheds light on its destructive nature. More importantly,
independant
Correct determiner usage
an independent
show examples
 working culture
pave
Correct subject-verb agreement
paves
show examples
 the
way
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 for employees to thrive
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 performances.
However
Linking Words
, in the visual operation, they would stress and act in an artificial
way
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, in order to behave
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
desperately.
As a result
Linking Words
, they may
fed
Verb problem
be fed
show examples
 up with their workplace and
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
 their concentration, encourage on their career pathways and
the
Verb problem
lose
show examples
 faith
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their employers.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 global career statistics
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 who experience camera observations
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 tend to
quite
Use the right word
quit
show examples
 their jobs.
Further
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,
such
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 employees fall prey to anxiety,depression and unrest
due to
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 trust issues.
Body paragraph 2
It is worth noticing that, despite the
visual
Rephrase
visually
show examples
 structured security
systems
Use synonyms
, governing bodies are able to induce humanitarian methodologies to ensure the
safeguard
Replace the word
safety
 in the conglonmarates and public places. In that
aspect
Use synonyms
, parents and educationalists have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 great responsibility to enhance moral values among youngsters.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
impose
Replace the word
imposition
 of strict and
balance
Replace the word
balanced
 rules and regulations would pave the
way
Use synonyms
 for
well deciplined
Correct your spelling
well-disciplined
 citizens.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
psychologists
Punctuation problem
psychologists,
show examples
 the logical reasoning and prosecution
systems
Use synonyms
 pave the
way
Use synonyms
 for
long lasting
Correct your spelling
long-lasting
 faith and trust rather than secret observations.
Conclusion
Looking from an
overoll
Correct your spelling
overall
 perspective, it is evident that 'Change is inevitable'. In that
Use synonyms
aspect
Add a comma
aspect,
show examples
 every communal figure should step forward to
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
show examples
 the importance of
deciplinary
Correct your spelling
disciplinary
systems
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 and civic behaviourism to ensure social
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
 and upward mobility of the human race.
Hence
Linking Words
, every individual should improve good moral values and honour
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the law.
Furthermore
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, all the
man made
Correct your spelling
man-made
 technological
approches
Correct your spelling
approaches
 are not apparently
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
, since people should understand
apoppriate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 mechanisms to mitigate
such
Linking Words
 problems.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly. Name clear problems, such as loss of privacy, stress at work, and misuse of video. Then give a direct solution for each problem.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and a real example. Some points are too general, such as teaching moral values. Explain how this can reduce crime or protect private life.
task response
Keep the focus on cameras. The last paragraph moves to broad ideas about change, human race, and moral values. Use this space to sum up the problems and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, problems, solutions, and conclusion. Your essay has this shape, but some ideas inside each paragraph do not link well.
coherence and cohesion
Start each paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: "One problem is that cameras can make workers feel watched all the time." Then explain only this idea before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words carefully: "First", "As a result", "For example", "However", and "Therefore". Do not use long or unclear phrases such as "the visual operation" or "humanitarian methodologies".
coherence and cohesion
Make your examples clear and believable. Instead of saying "global career statistics", give a simple case: a worker may feel less trusted when a camera watches every move.
task response
You discuss both the bad side of cameras and ways to deal with it.
task response
You include useful ideas about stress, trust, rules, and the need to protect people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "To begin", "For example", "On the other hand", and "Furthermore".
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • privacy invasion
  • misuse
  • cybercriminals
  • over-reliance
  • psychological impact
  • data storage
  • data breaches
  • compliance
  • behavioral changes
  • regulations
  • signage
  • encrypting
  • secured storage
  • privacy rights
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