IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Should both parents share childcare equally? With opinion and example.

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Introduction
Childcare
Use synonyms
 is one of the crucial responsibilities in our society to enhance people’s awareness about the foundation of our future
to
Punctuation problem
, to
show examples
 increase
efficiency
Correct article usage
the efficiency
show examples
 of communities.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
parents
Use synonyms
 should share that responsibility to ensure their children have the ability to make proper decisions
in
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 their entire lifetime.
For example
Linking Words
, the father should provide good advice,
such
Linking Words
 as
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
hang
Wrong verb form
hanging
show examples
 out with strangers during school time
to
Punctuation problem
, to
show examples
 help them
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
show examples
 tricky situations. From my point of view, it needs more effort to provide guidance.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should share
childcare
Use synonyms
 to develop their children’s behaviour.
For example
Linking Words
, the mother should guide their children through some strict rules,
such
Linking Words
 as keeping quiet,
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 polite, and
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 respectful. From my point of view, it requires a lot of time to manage them.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
Linking Words
, the authorities should take their precautions to avoid
misleading that happen
Wrong verb form
being misled
show examples
 by some people to provide appropriate circumstances to help
parents
Use synonyms
 cope with sharing
childcare
Use synonyms
Body paragraph 4
Therefore
Linking Words
, the government should provide institutions to help
parents
Use synonyms
 learn easily about how they should share
childcare
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
sharing
childcare
Use synonyms
 between
parents
Use synonyms
 will help address stress and show some respect
between
Change preposition
for
show examples
 each other.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first part. Say if both parents should share childcare in the same way, or share it based on work time and family needs.
task response
Keep the main focus on parents. The part about the government is not well linked to your main view, so make it shorter or explain why it is needed.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how advice from a father and rules from a mother show that both parents should take part in childcare.
task response
Use examples that show both parents working together. For example, one parent can take a child to school while the other makes dinner or helps with school work.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction with your view, one body part about why shared care helps children, one body part about how parents can share tasks, then a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas clear. The words “Furthermore” and “Moreover” add new points, but the third point changes from parents to the government without a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “From my point of view” in body parts. Give your view once in the introduction, then support it with clear reasons and examples.
coherence and cohesion
Make your conclusion match your main ideas. It should restate that shared childcare can help children and can also reduce stress for both parents.
task response
You give a clear general view that parents should share childcare.
task response
You use examples about safety, good behavior, and family rules.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, several body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” to show the order of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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