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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. What problems does this create? How could this situation be improved?

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Introduction
Closures from small and local groceries are considerably high
due to
Linking Words
 the challenging competition with large
supermarkets
Use synonyms
 in that particular area.
This
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 essay will examine the issues it creates and suggest potential solutions to improve
this
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 situation.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
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,
this
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 negatively affects the quality of life of citizens, because going to a supermarket wastes
greater
Correct word choice
more
show examples
 time
due to
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 the huge
amounts
Check wording
number
show examples
 of consumers, whether in requesting staff service, or even cashier queues;
in other words
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, shopping in large
supermarkets
Use synonyms
 will be physically exhausting for individuals.
In addition
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, a proportion of
supermarkets
Use synonyms
 will take advantage of the lack of
shops
Use synonyms
 and will start raising prices, which effectively means
monopoly
Correct article usage
a monopoly
show examples
 will be present in the shopping sector.
For instance
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, the widespread
of
Check wording
presence of
show examples
 Walmart and Target in the United States resulted in the closure of approximately 30000 small
shops
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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,
average
Correct article usage
the average
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vegetables and fruits prices
Correct word order
prices of vegetables and fruits
show examples
 increased by 15 per cent in the previous year because the two
supermarkets
Use synonyms
 are aware that consumers have no economic alternatives.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, governments must intervene and prevent the scale of big
shops
Use synonyms
; to put it differently, they should provide incentives and subsidies to small and medium
shops
Use synonyms
 to operate and gain revenue.
Therefore
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, monopoly will be negligible, the primary reason being that the market share is distributed equally in a method that protects shoppers. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Japan, where the government responded quickly to the closure of small
shops
Use synonyms
 and started supporting them financially to compete with large markets.
Conclusion
In conclusion, consumers will suffer from monopoly and the greediness of big markets if small groceries close. State grants and support
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the ideal solution to moderate prices and protect
consumer's
Check wording
consumers'
show examples
 rights.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To improve, explain more problems, such as job loss, less choice for people, and the loss of local life in an area.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some claims need more support. For example, explain why long lines and travel to big stores make daily life worse, and how this affects old people or those without cars.
task response
The examples are useful, but the facts about Walmart, Target, prices, and Japan seem very exact. Use examples only when you can explain them well. A general example can be safer.
task response
Give more than one way to improve the problem. Along with state money, suggest lower tax for small shops, help with rent, or rules that stop big stores from taking too much of the market.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first body part focus on problems and the second body part focus fully on ways to improve them.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “This can also lead to higher prices.” Then explain the reason in the next sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they are long or use unclear words. Write shorter sentences. For example, say “Large stores may raise prices when small shops have closed.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “in other words” when it does not add a new point. Use simple links such as “also”, “because”, “as a result”, and “for example”.
task response
You clearly discuss both the problems and the ways to improve the situation.
task response
You give a strong main idea about higher prices when there are fewer local shops.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly shows what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one central idea, and the conclusion brings the main points together.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • local shop
  • small business
  • close down
  • compete with
  • large supermarket
  • in the area
  • daily needs
  • friendly service
  • local character
  • job loss
  • without a car
  • older people
  • higher prices
  • fewer choices
  • lower tax
  • cheap rent
  • financial help
  • online sales
  • home delivery
  • support local stores
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