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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The best way to understand other cultures is to work for a multinational organisation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some argue that the most effective way of understanding different cultures is by working for a multinational organisation.
Although
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this
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 can be a good approach, I believe that
people
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 choose to
work
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 in a particular place for other reasons, and that education and travelling are more effective ways of learning about different
societies
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.
Body paragraph 1
People
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 generally choose to
work
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 for a particular organisation for reasons other than learning about different
societies
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. Most individuals
work
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 to achieve their career goals, earn a good salary, and fulfil their professional ambitions rather than to learn about unrelated subjects.
Therefore
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, learning about different traditions and ways of life is more likely to be an additional benefit than a priority for most employees.
Moreover
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, co-workers may not always discuss their backgrounds, as they may not have a strong interest in learning about each other.
For example
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, many fresh graduates in Saudi Arabia choose multinational organisations to build a strong CV and gain better career opportunities because of their good reputation.
Body paragraph 2
Education and travelling can provide
people
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 with more opportunities to learn about other
societies
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. Through books, documentaries, reliable sources, and guided tours, individuals can learn about the history, traditions, and lifestyles of different communities in greater depth.
In contrast
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, employees may not have enough time to explore these aspects because of their
work
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 and personal responsibilities. Travellers,
however
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, usually have more time and motivation to learn about the countries they visit.
For example
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, streaming platforms
such
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 as Netflix and Amazon Prime offer documentaries about different traditions and lifestyles, allowing
people
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 to gain insight into other
societies
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 from home.
Therefore
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, I believe
this
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 approach is not enough on its own and learning from other sources and different activities is more effective.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 working for a multinational organisation can expose
people
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 to different backgrounds, I believe that travelling and educating oneself through books and documentaries are more effective ways of understanding them.
This
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 is because
people
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 generally
work
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 to achieve professional goals,
whereas
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 travelling and education allow individuals to dedicate more time to learning about other
societies
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.

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task response
Make your main view even more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you disagree that work is the best way, not only that it can be a good way.
task response
Your first main point is useful, but it is more about why people take jobs than why such jobs may not help them understand other cultures. Add more about limited contact, work rules, and short talks with co-workers.
task response
The ideas about travel and learning at home are clear. Explain more why these ways give a deeper and more real view than working with people from other countries.
task response
Your examples fit the topic. The Saudi Arabia example is clear, but the Netflix example shows learning from home more than travel. Add one real travel example, such as staying with local people or taking part in local life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this strong plan in future writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer topic sentence at the start of the first main paragraph. For example: “Working for a global company does not always lead to real cultural understanding.”
coherence and cohesion
Some links are repeated, such as “Therefore” and “For example”. Use other simple links too, such as “Also”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In addition”.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence of the second main paragraph is a little long and unclear. Split it into two short sentences so the final point is easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question throughout and give a clear view that travel and learning are better ways to understand other cultures.
task response
You give relevant reasons and examples, including career aims, books, films, and travel.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, and the conclusion clearly brings your view back at the end.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “Although”, “Moreover”, “In contrast”, and “Therefore” help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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