IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In morden times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this changed occurred. Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is observed in recent times
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that the
students
Use synonyms
utilize
Change the spelling
utilise
show examples
 their maximum
time
Use synonyms
 with their
friends
Use synonyms
 rather than with their
parents
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
eassay
Correct your spelling
essay
 intends to discuss the
reasons
Use synonyms
 associated with
this
Linking Words
tranformation
Correct your spelling
transformation
 and suggest
wheather
Correct your spelling
whether
parents
Use synonyms
 impose strict rules for
children
Use synonyms
 to spend
time
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
There are numerous
reasons
Use synonyms
 as to why
students
Use synonyms
 spend
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
free
Correct determiner usage
their free
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with their
friends
Use synonyms
. The most conspicuous one is
hectic
Correct article usage
the hectic
show examples
 lifestyle of
parents
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means in nuclear families
both
Punctuation problem
, both
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 are working and
children
Use synonyms
 are left at
homes
Check wording
home
show examples
 with the supervision of either grandparents or nannies.
Body paragraph 2
As with passive
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
, children
show examples
 feel more comfortable with their mates outside the
homes
Check wording
home
show examples
rather than with their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of belongingness is another reason why
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 spend maximum
time
Use synonyms
 with
friends
Use synonyms
. To explain ,
children
Use synonyms
 from same age and background relate their problems with others and
analyise
Correct your spelling
analyse
 themselves in the same category.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey conducted by DFGH organisation in 2024, enunciated that
students
Use synonyms
 feel more connected with their mates of
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 age as they face similar situations at
home
Use synonyms
 and at school.
Thus
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 being busy in their work and
children
Use synonyms
feel
Wrong verb form
feeling
show examples
 connected to their
friends
Use synonyms
 are the
reasons
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 why
students
Use synonyms
 spend
maximum
Correct article usage
the maximum
show examples
 of their
time
Use synonyms
 with class fellows.
Body paragraph 3
According to
Linking Words
 my
perspection
Correct your spelling
perception
, I believe that
students
Use synonyms
set
Verb problem
are set
show examples
 free to choose
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
the way in which they would like to utilise their
time
Use synonyms
 wether with
friends
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 or at
Use synonyms
home
Punctuation problem
home,
show examples
 because forceful
ristrictions
Correct your spelling
restrictions
 by
parents
Use synonyms
 of staying at
home
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 may result in isolation and
deppression amongt
Correct your spelling
depression among
students
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
 , providing a regular check on their activities is
Check wording
parents'
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 prime responsibility.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 do not restrict their
children
Use synonyms
to stay
Change preposition
from staying
show examples
 at
home
Use synonyms
 as they become aggressive, rather
parents
Use synonyms
 allow
individulas
Correct your spelling
individuals
 to choose their way of spending
time
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
That being said, less
engangement
Correct your spelling
engagement
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 with
children
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
feel
Wrong verb form
feeling
show examples
 connected with
friends
Use synonyms
 are the
reasons
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 start utilising maximum
time
Use synonyms
 with their
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 must allow
children
Use synonyms
 to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with
friends
Use synonyms
 rather than forcing them to stay at
home
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both questions in a more direct way. Explain why young adults spend more time with friends, then clearly say if parents should make them stay at home.
task response
Your main ideas are useful: busy parents and young people feeling close to friends. Develop each idea with a clear cause and result. For example, explain how long work hours can reduce family talks and shared time.
task response
Your view is clear: parents should not force children to stay at home. Add a balanced point: parents can set fair home time, such as family meals, while still letting young people see friends.
task response
The survey example is not needed unless you can explain it well. A simple real-life example would be stronger, such as young people meeting friends after school because their parents are still at work.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph can focus on busy parents. The second can focus on friendship, shared age, and shared problems.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because words are missing or the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences. For example: "As time passes, children may feel more at ease with their friends than with their parents."
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a clear way: "First", "Also", "For example", "However", and "In conclusion". Do not repeat "rather than" too often.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph repeats earlier ideas. Make the ending short and clear: restate the two causes and your final view without adding new points.
task response
You address both parts of the question: the reasons for the change and whether parents should force children to stay at home.
task response
Your opinion is clear and stays the same in the essay: parents should guide children but should not use force.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape with an opening, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words such as "Furthermore", "For instance", "However", and "Therefore" to show the flow of ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: